CATS Is Easily, Unequivocally, Far And Away The Worst Movie I've Ever Seen And It's Not Even Remotely Close

I saw the movie CATS yesterday. Sort of ironically, but also because I wanted to be in on it. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. All we’ve heard for the last couple of weeks is how terrible the movie is, how it’s the worst movie of the year, and all of that. I don’t usually buy into critics one way or the other, I like to form my own opinion. So going into it I was like “there’s no way it’s as bad as everyone has been saying it is. People are just jumping on board the hate train because it’s the popular thing to do”. And guess what? I was right. It wasn’t as bad as the critics have been saying. No. It was much, much worse.

For the first 20 minutes or so minutes of the movie I was kinda enjoying myself. Not because it was good, but because I felt I kinda “got” what the movie was going for and I was like “ok this is absolutely ridiculous and terrible but in that weird I can sorta enjoy watching this car crash” sort of way. I even sent out this Tweet (don’t worry, I stepped out to use the bathroom, I’m not a phone-out at the movies guy)

And then it never ended. The car crash continued to pile up. Nobody came to save it. In fact, quite the opposite. Each song went on for 10 minutes too long, they just never ended. Rebel Wilson should be ashamed of herself for even reading the script, nevermind taking the role. The main Cat had the same shit eating grin on her face the entire time. There was not one redeeming part of the film. The movie was never in on the joke itself, you just *know* they thought they were hitting a home run. The theater laughed uncomfortably every time something completely stupid happened. You just beg for it to end or for the scene from Inglorious Basterds to happen in your movie theater, and it never ends. It’s the longest 1 hour and 40 minutes of your life. You could play that movie for the inmates at Gitmo and have all the secrets by sundown. These were my initial thoughts right after I walked out of the theater and into the closest bar to try and drink away any memory of seeing it:

I really do not understand how all those actors, talented, well respected actors, went through with it. How nobody at any point realized they were in the middle of a nuclear wasteland and should probably get out of there. But they stayed. And the result was the most horrid moving picture ever produced. It makes The Room look like The Godfather.

The movie will give you a migraine, and not the fake type that girls get, a real one. And not just in the theater. It will linger with you like a cold that you can’t shake. Even thinking about the movie will upset you. It is easily, unequivocally, the worst movie I have seen in my 31 years of life. And Taylor Swift is in it, and I love Taylor Swift! That’s how bad it is. Take every word I’ve said in this blog and then imagine it being even worse. That’s how bad it is. Take the worst movie you think you’ve ever seen and give it massive amounts of diarrhea, that’s how bad it is. I feel like I am owed a personal apology from everyone who had anything to do with the making of the movie. That’s how bad it is.

So should you see it? Well, it depends. Do you want to be able to tell people you saw the worst movie ever made? Then yes. Otherwise, stay far, far, far away. It is comforting though to know I will live the rest of my life without seeing something that bad. So hey, there’s the silver lining. Nothing will ever, or could ever, be worse.