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NFL Centers Will Be Used to Promote Ass Wipes

NYPFour NFL linemen have signed to help a small Venice, Calif., company crack a new market — moistened toilet paper — targeted at men. The sector, just 3 percent of the $8.7 billion toilet paper category, is usually aimed at infants and toddlers but the four burly centers are hoping to change that with a product cheekily called “One Wipe Charlies.” The players — the Dallas Cowboys’ Travis Frederick , the Minnesota Vikings’ John Sullivan, the Buffalo Bills’ Eric Wood, and the San Diego Chargers’ Nick Hardwick — will be part of a marketing blitz, entitled “Clean Snap,” to kick off in two weeks… A survey conducted by Dollar Shave found that 89 percent of wipe users were very satisfied with the cleanliness of their butt after using a wipe — versus only 58 percent for traditional TP.

I seriously doubt that anyone will come up with an idea all year that I like as much as this one.  I mean, this concept is just a swirling vortex of pure win blowing in at you from all directions at once.  For starters, because it’s high time that centers got some of the glory.  These poor bastards have the most thankless task in all of sports.  If they do everything exactly, perfectly right no one but the most obsessed X&O geek even knows they exist.  But if they do one thing wrong and they’re on the business end of more public scorn than Anthony Weiner.  And believe me, if you’ve ever coached kid’s team that doesn’t have a really reliable center, you might was well put everyone’s gear back in the equipment shed and call it a season so you’re not wasting everybody’s Fall.  But where’s their glory?  Jim Otto and Mike Webster are among the best NFLers ever to play the game, and how many endorsements did they ever get?  Bill Lenkaitis was the middle of the 1978 Patriots  O-line that still holds the record for rushing yards in a season. But almost no one remembers him.  If those greats could’ve put a few extra bucks in their pockets promoting ass cleanliness, it would’ve been a much better world.

Which leads me to my second point: Ass wipes are amazing. Truly a miracle product.  Ask any guy that had them in the bathroom for his kids to use.  There’s not a dad among us who at some point was struggling with a bad wipe and didn’t bring out the heavy artillery.  And if you’ve tried it you never want to go back.  For years now I’ve dreamt of a world where baby wipes were standard equipment in every bathroom in America.  And if Fredrick, Sullivan, Wood and Hardwick and One Wipe Charlies make that a reality, then they’re more than stars in my book. They’re heroes.  @JerryThornton1