Arsonist Tortoise Somehow Not Arrested After Attempting To Burn A House To The Ground

(Essex) – A tortoise has been rescued from a house fire after neighbours heard the smoke alarm and called 999.

When crews arrived at the property they reported the house was smoke logged and there was a fire in one of the rooms.

Firefighters quickly extinguished the fire and cleared the property of smoke by 4.50pm.

Watch Manager Gary Wain, Great Dunmow Fire Station, said:

“The fire started after the tortoise knocked a heat lamp onto its bedding, which then caught alight.”

I’ve never been so confused reading a story. For starters, England is such a stupid place. You call 999 to alert the authorities? Preposterous. Sure, it’s likely quicker than 9-1-1 by a fraction of a millisecond but 9-9-9 sounds so dumb I’ll never get over it. Once I got past that troublesome part of the story my confusion turned into bewilderment. Why is everyone yucking it up over this? The fire chief couldn’t have been having a heartier laugh talking about this house fire. Smokey the Bear hasn’t been doing work for decades to suddenly turn arson into some laughing matter. Not only that, I couldn’t believe there wasn’t an entire paragraph dedicated to the charges and jail time this bastard was about to be facing. They’re just letting this menace skate free after what he’d done? Unbelievably terrible judgment on the behalf of everyone involved.

I don’t claim to be a body language expert. I’m not someone who can look into any ol’ tortoise’s face and tell you exactly what he’s thinking. But *this* tortoise?

This tortoise is the easiest to read tortoise I’ve ever seen in my life. Look at this smug prick! You mean to tell me this “fire” was an “accident”? Yeah fucking right. This pyro was left alone on Christmas and decided vengeance was the only present he lusted for. He’s pissed that the job wasn’t finished. I can’t believe they’re letting him off with a slap on the wrist here, it feels like I’m taking crazy pills. When he starts burning down houses left and right on Easter this year don’t come crying to me because you dumb dumbs couldn’t see the writing on the wall.