How To Approach 2020 Like A Real Human

Every year, millions of people succumb to the idea of traditional "New Year's resolutions" and waste a few weeks or months trying and failing to "better themselves." We've been brainwashed into thinking that setting goals and devoting our lives to trying to achieve them is "good" and "healthy." Nope. That's not the case. Here's some beneficial things that you should actually strive to do in 2020. No pictures, no satire, no bits. Just me trying to help others. 

Spend more time making fun of people from your high school class

Convince yourself that you’re better, happier, and more valuable to society than them because you live in a major U.S. city and they’re still “stuck” in their small hometown. While you’re literally stuck in your $3,200/month studio crevice and coming down at 7:25am while the sunrise penetrates your curtainless windows like a GDP scene, you can scour their pathetic Facebook profiles and cackle at all the embarrassing spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in their posts about getting married to the love of their life and buying a house together. Send screenshots to your snarky freelance friends and make them gag on their postnasal drip. Remind yourself that these people peaked in high school and you’re “doing something meaningful with your life.” While you’re periodically having casual sex with hedge fund managers, up-and-coming DJs, and verified podcasters, they’re still regularly fucking the same loser they’ve unconditionally loved since 2012. They probably don’t even live within walking distance of any rooftop bars. Imagine those pieces of shit — just genuinely enjoying each other’s company at filthy chain restaurants while you slowly sip a $22 cup of frozen vodka syrup in a transparent igloo with someone who’s going to take you back to their twin-size mattress, quasi-fuck you with their half-mast adderall dick for the entire length of Losing It by Fisher, and leave you googling “how to treat bed bug bites” on a vomit-scented subway the next morning. 

Plan an elaborate vacation and base your entire life around it

Your relationship with your spouse/significant other isn’t “stale” or “inevitably dying.” You just haven’t booked an international vacation with them yet. The planning part will be the highlight of the entire trip so make sure to go all out with it. Spend weeks researching potential destinations and narrowing down the top choices like you're a five star recruit. Make the "decision" a "thing" that the 17 people who view your Instagram story can get invested in. Download every countdown app in the Apple Store, even the $2.99 one that lets you customize the font of the numbers. Use one of those magnum sharpies to X out the days on your bedroom calendar every morning. Spend your work hours tediously crafting and revising highly specific itineraries. The joy you get from typing out “Louvre: 1:15–4:15 PM” will significantly outweigh the time you spend pretending to gawk at a portrait painting of a soft 4 from the 15th century. The vacation will ultimately be underwhelming, mentally draining, and financially crippling, but you can’t put a price tag on the optimism you felt during the several months leading up to it. Book the trip a year in advance and milk that delusional hope and “desire to live” like an ambidextrous dairy farmer.


Devote more time to thinking about your failed relationships

Instead of meditating or going to therapy, utilize your creativity and imagination by spending at least a few hours per day replaying scenarios from previous relationships in your head and contemplating all of things that you, and them, could have done or said differently to prevent or delay the breakup. It’ll be like one of those “choose your own adventure” games, except the outcome is always fruitless masturbation and dread-inducing clarity. Really dig into your frontal cortex and channel its true potential by deeply pondering what your former lover — if they ever even loved you at all — was truly thinking and feeling during specific moments of your relationship. Scratch that nostalgic itch by going back and reading your old iMessages like they’re your favorite childhood comic books. Retroactively decipher her “idk im just really stressed about work and don’t want you to have to deal with that this weekend” text. Visualize her new boyfriend and mentally customize him like you’re jokingly creating a Madden player that resembles the 5'2" knock-kneed, ginger thespian with scoliosis from your freshman football team. The one whose alcoholic dad forced him to join the team. The one with the micropenis who showered in his boxers. Yeah, really pretend that's who she's fucking now.

Spend more time making fun of people who are really into fitness

Instead of wasting time, money, energy, and other exhausting nouns on sustaining consistent gym habits and gradually “achieving” a body that’s slightly less repulsive than it used to be, ruthlessly make fun of the “fitness weirdos” and “health nuts” who are really annoying about working out. Mock their bland dietary habits and obnoxious Instagram posts. Soak up the validation you get from triple digit favorites on your tweet parodying the unseasoned chicken in their meal prep Tupperware. Tease them online for being superficial and weirdly obsessed with their bodies. Write sarcastic blogs about their cringeworthy tendencies. You’re better than them. What are they gonna do with all that extra health? Live longer than you? Awesome!

Anonymously harass more people online

Take advantage of the true perks of modern cyber communication by creating anonymous accounts on various social media sites and using them to mercilessly degrade people without the fear or possibility of consequences. Worst case scenario is they'll burn a burner account with 2 followers and a Larry Bird avi. That'll show you. Instead of taking kickboxing classes or participating in recreational sports to blow off steam, save your money and anonymously lash out at your least favorite internet personalities — the ones you aren’t obsessed with even though you ferociously consume all their content — from the comfort of your own mother’s home. Slowly build up a diverse arsenal of weapons and attacks that you can rotate without coming across as stale or unoriginal. Tediously study them until you can accurately pinpoint their specific insecurities. Take shots at their physical flaws—nose, forehead, hairline, general face, nipple protrusion, etc.—and eviscerate their wardrobe, personality, sense of humor, and sense of worth. Subtly torture them by commenting things like “oof those teeth” or “father time workin overtime on that face” even though their face and teeth are both relatively flawless.