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Patrick Reed's Bullshit Belongs In The Hall Of Fame

MELBOURNE, Australia – Following his first practice round at Royal Melbourne on Tuesday, Patrick Reed fired back at mounting criticism of his rule violation last week at the Hero World Challenge.

“It's not the right word [cheating] to use. At the end of the day, if you do something unintentionally that breaks the rules, it's not considered cheating and at the end of the day that's what it is,” Reed explained. “If you're intentionally trying to do something, that would be considered cheating, but I wasn't intentionally trying to improve a lie or anything like that, because if it was, it would have been a really good lie and I would have hit it really close.”

I have a new slogan in life:

"If I was actually cheating you'd all be dead." - Patrick Reed (basically)

Which reminds me.... All you pussy golf fans out here crying wolf because he sandbagged himself out of a PGA tour win need to get a grip:

For all the talk about how sacred and precious the rules of golf are, it seems you guys are forgetting the overarching rule of LIFE and that's deny til you die. So while Reed certainly broke the USGA rulebook when he fucked with the sand...


You can't argue with his flawless execution of DTYD. 

We got camera angles


“If I stew over something that I felt like I didn’t intentionally do, at the end of the day, it’s my word versus their word, and they weren’t standing there, they had a camera angle. So because of that, you know, you don’t really have a choice.”

But probably the best thing of all to come out of it? The Way Patrick Reed Conducted Himself. My goodness just a marvelous display of professionalism. 

This is why it's so funny when there's controversy in golf. This dude got caught BLATANTLY CHEATING and the rules official is practically cumming himself over the way Reed took the news. Grow up Slugger. This is fucking game 7 of being a PGA Tour rules official and you're out here playing tiddlywinks making the whole crew look soft. So in an effort to Grow The Game, let me render the official ruling on Patrick Reed:

- Official Ruling: 2-stroke penalty moved to 1-stroke penalty for how staunchly he has defended his cheating. There's a grace period where after 72 hours if you're still telling everyone to fuck off, you only get a 1-stroke penalty.

- Downside: everyone hates your guts

- Punishment: limited to 1 Dave & Busters trip per month, 6-month ban on all Rumchata shots and he has to talk on the phone with each parent for 5 minutes before Christmas.