How To Get Consent Like A Real Man

Would you guys be comfortable if I told you something that I’ve been wanting to platonically get off my chest for a while now? I know it’s a sticky situation for some, so I wanted to make sure you were all in the right headspace before I just prematurely unloaded on everyone like a dickhead. 

Okay. So the truth is, one of the biggest misconceptions about me is that I actively avoid things like “eye contact” and “female interaction” because I have some kind of “social disorder” or “developmental delay.” That’s not necessarily false, but the real motive behind my “personality quirks” is a burning, uncontrollable infatuation with the act of obtaining consent. In fact, I’m so obsessed with consent that I completely refrain from even conversing with women or looking them in the eyes because I’m terrified of making them feel uncomfortable in any way — or doing anything that could even remotely be considered “creepy.” That’s why I always keep a safe distance from them and only visually regard them from afar.  

If anyone’s going to interact with females, it’s going to be the 10-year-old little league star boyying my Twitter account and NOT me. And you best believe he’s going to wait until I get home from that party or social function and do it passively from the privacy of my own bedroom.

Nice to finally meet you too, madam. To put things into better perspective, getting consent is like a sport to me, and I’m the Kobe Br- 

Breaking it down in a different manner, consent is like a religion to me, and I’m th- 

This is a lot harder to turn into a metaphor than I expected, but on a scale of Ghengis Khan to Tim Tebow, I’m like a ReCAPTCHA puzzle when it comes to receiving consent. I’ll make sure I know the precise street signs to look for before I even attempt to successfully enter your home, metaphorically. So you can imagine how excited I am about the new Twitter trend of fellow journalists and advanced academics offering up free templates for new and creative ways to get consent via text. 

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B: 

Exhibit C: 

Before I just show you the C Section unsolicitedly, I want to make sure you’re comfortable with seeing something conventionally disgusting pertaining to sexual organs. Okay?

Exhibit C:

“I’ve been having some sexual thoughts about you I’d like to share over text if you’d enjoy that.”  

Read that to yourself a couple times. Upon first and second glance, it might seem like a rejected quote scripted for Michael Cera’s character in Superbad, but it’s actually a super good technique to ensure that your partner or romantic interest is on the same page as you when it comes to sexting...You know, the hip way to send people consensual photographs of your genitalia. 

Plus, it was freshly written by a verified millennial sex journalist, so no matter how you spin it, it's going to come across as cool, respectful, and sexy.

And you can apply the template to any type of situation where consent could be an effective option. 

Even if the encounter has nothing to do with sex, it's still a safe and versatile script to follow. 

Take a look at it again:

“I’ve been having some sexual thoughts about you I’d like to share over text if you’d enjoy that.” 

Try saying those words out loud. Now say them aloud again, but in a variety of different tones and accents this time. Pretty remarkable, huh? Whether you proclaim it in the voice of Noah from The Notebook or Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men, it’s impossible for it to sound creepy or weird. Whether it’s coming from Ethan Hawke or Stephen Hawking, it’s going to be arousing and not sound robotic or forced at all. The perfect loophole for getting consent to send a picture of your poop hole.

 Or is it?

Suzannah’s Paradox:

It’s actually the ultimate catch 22. The mere act of conceptualizing your sexual desires in someone else's mind is, in itself, non-consensual harassment. So what could you possibly do to get around it? 

I'm not quite sure, but separating yourself entirely from the human race is certainly a decent start.