Some Sad News To Report: Willie Nelson Has Quit Smoking Weed

(KSAT) – Midway through a sold out two night stand at the Majestic Theater here, country music icon Willie Nelson said that in spite of recent breathing related health issues, he has no plans to give up touring.

Nelson, 86, said “I have abused my lungs quite a bit in the past, so breathing is a little more difficult these days and I have to be careful.”

“I started smoking cedar bark, went from that to cigarettes to whatever,” he said. “And that almost killed me. I don’t smoke anymore – take better care of myself,” Nelson said.

His health issues have generated rumors suggesting that he is near death.

“I don’t give a (expletive deleted) I’m here, I’m glad to be here,” and with a smile added “I’m lucky to be here.”

What the fuck?

What the *actual* fuck?

This is like reading the Sun has decided to not rise in the morning anymore. That Santa is more of an Easter guy these days and wants to take Mrs. Claus to Punta Cana on the 25th. That Snoop Dogg has… well, retired from smoking weed. It’s not right. It doesn’t compute. I was born into a world where there were some fundamental truths already established and Willie Nelson being the long haired country singer who burned it down was one of them. This is as clear a sign as anything that the world as we know it is coming to an abrupt end sooner than later and I, for one, don’t much care for it. Willie Nelson didn’t just get high. He smoked weed that made other people question whether or not they were still on this planet when they smoked with him.

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That’s not a man who can wake up one day and simply decide he “quits” burning it down. Weed isn’t killing Willie Nelson, if anything I blame oxygen. His lungs aren’t used to fresh air as he has genetically modified himself to rely on cannabis as his primary life force. I don’t know what doctor suggested this change but I hope their medical license is revoked posthaste because this quack is a danger to his patients.