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Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher

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MichiganThe relationship between a student and a Grand Rapids Catholic schools worker came to light when the boy’s mother found text messages that included photos of the woman in a garter belt, police said in court records. Abigail Marie Simon, 33… is charged with first-degree criminal sexual conduct, a potential life offense, and accosting a minor for immoral purposes… Grand Rapids Police Detective Amy Lowrie [said] “In April of this year I started an investigation when the mother of her 15-year-old victim found text messages between the victim and Abigail Simon of a sexual nature, as well as photographs of Ms. Simon in a garter belt.” Lowrie said that the alleged victim initially told police the two had sexual contact but “then recanted that testimony, and then recently has admitted that there was sexual contact again. And the text messages that were found in both of their phones support there was a sexual relationship.”

A garter belt picture?  Seriously?  A garter belt picture is what got Abigail arrested, ended her career and broke up a perfectly good teacher-student sexual relationship?  What is this, 1953?  A garter belt is something you wear showing underneath your hooker outfit in one of those sepia-toned Old West tourist photos you get in Frontierland at Disney.  It’s not a scandal.  It’s not a reason to fire a sister.  Hell, there are teachers all over America sending porn to kids.  At this point, anything less than a split beaver shot with a dildo in her snooch while she’s handling two penises at once like boat oars, isn’t even grounds for a suspension much less getting arrested.  And that’s not even mentioning what else has been going on in Catholic schools over the last 30 years.  If anything, the Grand Rapids archdiocese ought to thank Miss Simon for showing restraint.

The Grades:
Looks: 
The dictionary definition of average.  Not bad, not good.  She’s even a Grand Rapids 5. Grade: C
Moral Compass/Bad Judgment:
While I admit the garter belt is no big deal, sext messages of any kind are to be encouraged.  Especially the incriminating, confirming, enough-evidence-to-convict kind.  I mean, this isn’t exactly porn, but it’s something.  So as much for the effort as anything, Abigail gets a Grade: A-
Intangibles:
I like that the kid kind of pulled the Anthony Weiner non-denial denial, change of story bit.  Obviously if she was hotter, if she looked like, say Cara Alexander, he would’ve owned right up to it.  But in this day and age, a mediocrity like Abigail Simon isn’t much of a conquest to brag about. Grade: A
Overall:
B-
[Thanks to my brother Bill, manning the remote Thornton Family Sex Scandal Teacher listening post up in Juneau, AK.] Have information about a hot female teacher having sex with her students? Preferably with pictures? Help make the world safe for Teacher Sex Scandals by Tweeting me @jerrythornton1.