We all saw my “heroics” on the Cyber Monday live stream tonight. Blah fucking blah. Big fucking deal. Yeah, sure, I beat the Rocket. But that’s like being the tallest midget, offense to my 5’7″ ass and Carrabis’ 5’8″ ass. I’m disgusted with 2. different things from last night.
1. I truly thought I’d be sitting at least 87-89, T92 with perpendicular angle, arm side run and grade 75 command of my 4 seam fastball during the telethon. That I’d be in the zone. That I’d be emasculating Jared so much that he’d never show his face on the internet again. That I’d be fielding calls from all 30 MLB teams lining up to sling me big league contracts.
I was wrong. Sat about 77, which is an embarrassment to not only myself, but the entire City of Chicago. Chicago, I let you down. Dad, if I’m not invited to Christmas this year, I understand. I tarnished your extremely mediocre name.
It was a disgusting performance out of my right arm, and I think I can blame about 90% of that on…
2. me being a disgusting fat slob. Now people ask me what the worst thing about working at Barstool is all the time. Without hesitation I say it’s the amount of bad weight everyone seems to gain when they work for this company full time. We have access to awesome yet fattening food pretty constantly and Barstool Chicago is sponsored by a goddamn beer. That ain’t a great combo if you’re looking to not be a chode.
Seeing myself on that livestream last night made me want to puke. I stepped on a scale at my grandma’s house this last weekend and I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. Like I put on the freshman 20 in my first year at Barstool full time.
So because of that, I am calling out @barstoolchief to do a weight loss competition. We’ll figure out the stakes and rules and all of that on the next RLR or two, but starting 1/1/2020 I am going on a warpath of healthy living. Like I’m getting back down to 2017 marathon level hot. Chief – accept my challenge or you’re a huge pussy.
But back to last night – shout out to Jared, Dave and Erika, Big Cat for coming up with the idea, the carnies who set up the cage/gun, and Stoolies for dropping $200K on merch last night. I’m writing this from my hotel bed at 730am and haven’t really moved yet, but I can tell when I roll around my arm is STIFF. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I typically loathe coming to this office because I don’t know anyone and there have been 1000 different “beefs” with me, but last night was a TON of fun. Can’t wait to be back. Until then get me out of this hell hole, 3 days is more than enough.