Mila Kunis Says She Won't Let Ashton Anywhere Near Her "Shredded" Lady Parts During Birth And Now There's Puke Covering My Keyboard

MTV.com- Mila Kunis is slowly but surely revealing her tips for a peaceful pregnancy. Step 1, never let your significant other say “we’re pregnant.” Step 2, kick his you-know-what to the curb if he gets a little too close for comfort during the actual birthing process. “Two people are allowed in my delivery room,” Kunis told Marie Claire for their July cover story. “My doctor and my significant other. And he is staying above the action. He’ll be head to head. Not head to vag. Unless he wants to risk his life and see. But I wouldn’t if I were him. I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded. Because it will be shredded. It’s just a matter of how badly.”

Alright so that’s a gross headline.  Really gross and I apologize for that.  Something about her choosing to use the word “shredded” made me want to puke everywhere.  It’s a disgusting topic to begin with but that word made it a million times worse.  I never want to hear the word again quite honestly.  Mila’s already pregnant so it’s too late for Ashton but this is reason number 9023458795234 why having kids is the worst idea one can have.  The last thing I want to do in life is watch a little human being get launched out of a vagina.  There are few things in the world that sound worse.  People try and be nostalgic about it and say it changed their lives for the better but that’s only to mask the pure horror it is to actually experience it.  Not to mention it ruins everything that’s great about what’s going on down there.  Completely destroys it.

But with all of that said, is Mila Kunis the perfect woman for saying that she refuses to let Ashton see what’s happening down there while she gives birth?  I’d venture to say she is.  That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for another person.  I have very little experience in the area of knocking girls up other than the couple scares that every guy has (furiously knocking on wood) but there has to be some psycho ladies out there who are like, “YOU WILL WATCH THE BIRTH OF OUR CHILD AND LIKE IT.”  Those chicks have to be out there and that’s terrifying.  Mila is the total opposite of that.  Ashton is one lucky guy.  But then Mila is lucky because Ashton is from Iowa so it all evens out I guess.

PS- The people who decide to video tape the birth of their child are certified psychos.  What, are you gonna watch that again?  “Sweet let’s toss in the tape and reminisce about the day I stopped wanting to have sex with my wife because she popped a child out of her lady parts.  Awesome.”