Friends, Massholes, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Tom Brady, not to praise him. The winning that men do lives after them; The rings are oft interrèd with their bones. So let it be with the GOAT.
The TV douchebags, bitter former players, Jets house men and assorted Blue Checkmarks have spoken. Brady's finished. He's standing in his own grave. His career dead at the tender age of 10-1 and with the current No. 1 spot in the AFC playoffs. With every win over a first place team is another shovelful dirt on his casket. There's no coming back from beating the Cowboys in a deluge with a bad elbow and a MacGyver'ed together wide receiver corps.
If you don't believe me, just check with the people who have all the experience when it comes to these things. And when I say "experience," I'm talking about how they've been saying it for 10 years. They can't be wrong this time.
Nick Wright? He might be trying desperately to pull off the Dr. Stephen Strange look and settled for "R-Rated Hypnotist on a Discount Cruise Ship," but nobody's been saying Brady's at the end of the road longer or more often than him. And he's got the perfect apples to apples comparison in Peyton Manning. Remember him in 2015? The 9 TDs and 17 INTs? How in his last two games of the regular season he completed 5 passes in each of them? Including that landmark 5 for 20, 0 TD, 4 INTs, 0.0 Passer Rating game for the ages as he got replaced with Brock Osweiler? And all the had to throw to were the likes of Demaryius Thomas, Emmanuel Sanders and Vernon Davis, who were hardly better than a banged up Edelman, two rookies with 18 catches between them and a 38-year-old recently unretired tight end. I'm sure if Osweiler could get time off from his job at the cellphone case kiosk at the mall, the Patriots would be replacing Brady with him right fucking now.
Now let's consider Bart Scott's argument, because it's a good won. Ol' Tommy Noodle Arm can't get the ball through a windy deluge like he used to. Delivering crisp passes in a storm that would've crashed Tom Hanks' Federal Express jet is a young man's game. A young, virile, strong man with a powerful, manly arm. Like, say, Dak Prescott, the league leader in passing yards:
Brady: 17 for 37, 190 Yards, 1 TDs, 0 INTs, 70.8 Passer Rating
Prescott: 19 for 33, 212 Yards, 0 TDs, 1 INTs, 64.2 Passer Rating
I could point out that about a quarter of those yards came on one 59 yard reception, but that would suggest I don't think they count. And they do. So Young Dak's utter statistical dominance of this geezer in the same conditions speaks for itself.
I mean, it's not like this was a well thrown ball or anything:
Or this one:
Sad to see it come to this.
As for the others, bringing the red hot flamethrower of Brady's stats, they don't lie. He's not been good. At least he's no Sam Darnold, that's for sure. We've been waiting for Brady to plunge off Max Kellerman's infamous metaphorical cliff, and it finally happened this year. Make that this month. Because by an amazing coincidence, his production has fallen off dramatically at the exact same time he's had games with as few as three healthy wide receiver bodies on the roster. What are the odds of such a thing happening? They must be astronomical. And yet it's happened exactly like that:
Brady's first three games: Passer Ratings of 124.9, 124.7, 103.9
Brady's last three games: Passer Ratings of 80.4, 67.3, 70.8
Funny how that worked out. By another strange coincidence, America's Favorite Son Aaron Rodgers seems to have hit the same cliff. He, like Brady, has only thrown two touchdowns in the last three games. And his Passer Ratings are marginally better: 85.5, 84.4 and last night's 75.8. That is, before he got pulled from the game for ineffectiveness before he was able to reach the all-important 105 yard plateau. In perfect weather conditions, no less. And while I haven't heard any of the Blue Checkmarks compare Rodgers to the animated corpse that was 2015 Peyton Manning or declare his career over, I'm sure Nick Wwrong, Bart Scott and the other dopes will be getting to it any minute now.
So anyway, it's been fun while it lasted. It's just a shame it all has to come to an end as his team is the favorite to win a seventh ring. But the one silver lining in all this is that at least this year, no one's complaining that Brady is peaking too soon.