The Meanest Things Coaches Have Said Volume 3

We are back. Last week I said I would do this blog once per month, but after Volume II my inbox got flooded and there were a few good ones so we are running it again. The more you guys submit the better. Chief@barstoolsports.com and we can keep this as a Friday staple if enough submissions come rolling in. W

Without further ado

My college baseball coach was obsessed with drinking Diet Pepsi during games. He kept two in a cooler in our locker room, and would make someone run to the locker during the game to retrieve one throughout the game. On one occasion, one of the guys just threw one away after being pissed he had to go get the drink. Some poor kid came back with the bad news the second Diet Pepsi wasn’t there. Needless to say, coach was pissed, and told us someone was being a Fat Cat which was his term when someone stole his drink. After the game, we all had to hit barn which was about a mile run through a cornfield to touch a barn, and run back for “Fat Catting”. This coach’s name was, no shit, Dick Naylor who ironically was huge asshole.That same day, he was thrown out of both games of a double header, and was later seen behind right field sitting on a tractor drinking a diet pepsi. 

He also had a special chair he sat in during games in our dugout which we also had to bring to road games. On that chair, the seat read Dick Goes Here in sharpie. After my sophomore year, I got pretty drunk, ventured out to the field, enjoyed a frosty brew in his special seat. I stole that stupid chair. It really tied my dorm room together.

Joe

There is just something funny about coaches who use very common phrases completely wrong, but they get away with it because pointing out that they’re wrong means more barn runs for the fat cats. I had a hockey coach one time who was ripping us at practice and kept calling our girlfriends “loose cannons”. I think he thought that meant they were sluts. “The only fucking thing you assholes care about is sticking your little pricks in your loose cannon girlfriends”. Didn’t make any sense, nobody said anything. Didn’t want to have to do extra work after practice. Probably because our loose cannons were waiting for us

This isn’t so much mean to a player but towards an opposing teams coach.

It was the city final for the Basketball CYO (Catholic You Organization) tournament in Ohio. So we were the kids not good enough to play for actual high school teams but still competitive. My team was up about 15 with maybe a minute left. The other team scores a basket and calls a timeout to setup a defense.

Our coach is pissed because it’s just prolonging the win and is talking shit the whole timeout. As we are getting ready to go back on the court, our coach decides to call a timeout. Calls us together like he is drawing up a play on the white board. Just draws a big ole dick and makes sure he angles it so that the other teams coach sees it. Needless to say, no more timeouts were called and they didn’t foul us to extend the game anymore.

Bobby H.

Nothing worse than a coach who doesn’t understand that he’s not Phil Jackson. CYO games were just there so kids who would otherwise be jerking off at home could get a sweat going in addition to jerking off at home. It’s not that serious. On the flip side, there’s nothing better than spite. Calling that spite timeout is something I hope every kid remembers and uses as an adult. Real lessons being taught.

What’s up Chief,

Love the blogs, keep up the good work. Anyway, I’m trying out for my 7th grade basketball team. I’m coming off an unnaturally early and unnaturally significant growth spurt, so I’m a solid 6’4 but probably weigh 140 pounds soaking wet. At that point I looked like a goddamn baby giraffe — could barely walk three steps without stumbling, let alone run the length of a basketball court. Anyway, cut day rolls around, and the coach goes “Alright guys, this is never easy, but it is what it is. I’m just gonna start off by saying that basketball is a sport predicated on size, so some of you are more “gifted” than others right off the bat. Take that lanky motherfucker in the back (me) for example. I mean this kid is the worst basketball player I’ve ever seen. He can’t dribble, he can’t pass, he sure as shit can’t shoot, he’s a pussy on the glass, he doesn’t know the game of basketball for shit. But, at the end of the day, he’s way taller than all you other fuckers, so he’s on the team.”

I was so pumped. Scored a grand total of 6 points that season.

(Please do me a favor and don’t use my name if you put this in the blog, thanks Chief–Annonymous

The image of a coach with a whistle running layup lines and running plays on a driveway hoop made me laugh out loud. Telling a potentially paralyzed kid that getting paralyzed was the best thing he ever did…not so much.

I went to Rey Meyers basketball camp the summer before 7th or 8th grade.  I was always a fat kid but one of those ones that was pretty athletic for his size.  Anyway, I decided I was gonna play basketball instead of wrestle so at this camp Rey Meyers said to me “I used to be the fattest person in this camp until you showed up.” And I lauuuughed and laughed, and then cried on the inside alot.

Blair

I assume this guy means Ray Meyer, the legendary DePaul coach, who was…quite fat.

When a fat guy, who knows fat, calls you fat…can’t deny it.

Hey Chief,

When i was a senior in HS, I was a 6’8″ 300 lb VERY white guy.  While playing in a basketball game, I got my one and only dunk, over whoever was defending me.  As we ran back up the court, I was close enough to hear the other coach yell at HIS player “You just got dunked on by a LLAMA!”

Viva!

Big Bill