Tonight marks the long awaited return of NFL football to Mexico City- a city known for its vibrant culture, soccer, and lack of NFL football. The Estadio Azteca is above 7,200 feet above sea level making it so high up that even a Denver resdent like John Elway would pass out within 20 minutes if he were there partially due to a lack of oxygen, combined with hyperventilating as he experienced a overwhelming urge to draft it to play quarterback.
Last year the game was moved to a diffrent location at the last minute either due to unsafe field conditions or perhaps a dubius waver the Mexican government tried to slip in under the radar that was caught at the last minute by the NFLs shrewd legal team. This year the game will go on as scheduled and I will be doing a genesis halftime show live on twitter dot com from my peloton since no one beleves I know how to ride a stationary bike. But the return of the NFL to Mexico brings up some interesting discusson- like if there were hypothetically a team that should be exiled from the United States entirely why are we solely focused on England instead of our neighbors to the south.
What are the stumbling blocks to moving a team like the Redskins there? Well I dont think the NFL would want a team repersenting a nations capital to have its football stadium associated with a group of marginalized indigenous people who used to live there. Snyder would probably be satisfied with the proximty to a different district of colombia and all its lovely exports, and the language barrier has already proven to not be a business impdiment for Snyder whose telemarketers realized that if you dont understand a objection you can go ahead and close the sale anyways. In fact thousands of Snyders former customers allready live in Mexico so he can just put them on a season ticket list like hes changing there long distance without their permission and no one will ever be the wiser. Snyder is a business genius, and he could find a home that is quite well customed to losing dos a cero.
So what about tonite’s game in particular? The altitude defnitely favors the Chargers, whose players are used to end of game scenarios where all the oxygen gets sucked out of a place. Andy Reid is my major concern given that he’ll be trying to figure out how to manage a clock while in the mental state equivlant of having just ran a 400 meter dash leaving him too confused to mismanage the clock properly. The Chargers are used to playing in a soccer stadium in front of fans who dont know there names so that will be another big bonus in Los Angeles’s favor.
Who are some other big-name Mexican athetes who have played in this stadium? Some names you might recognize include Jorge Campos- the diminutive goalkeeper from the Mexican national team who was like if Tavon Austin occassonally held onto one, Chicharitto- the famous soccer player whose nickname “the little green pea” was given to him after the New York Times learned how to make the famous Mexican dish of guacamole, and Lakers superstar Anthony Davis who modeled for hundereds of self-portraits which are kept in the citys famous Kahlo art museum.
Private First Class Swag Kelly’s Weekly Letter Home:
Coach reich went back to jacoby this week which is fine with me sense im kind of sick of working all the time. I hit up Gardner Minshew before the game to see if he wanted to play hammer roulette which is a game i invented where you hit yourself in the hand with a mallet until you get kicked out of the hardware store. Q-tip scored a touchdown and did a fake keg stand in the endzone which was kind of bullshit because he knows thats my move to get the party going and it was also my idea exept that they stole from my pregame warmup routine and i use actual beer. i thought it was cool looking though lifting him up like that in a modern day iwo jima type deal. i gotta bounce we have a thursday nite game so i gota get loaded tonight so i can get slightly less loaded tomorow so i dont miss my flight wednesday.
tell dad i let mcaffee borrow the car if anyone asks
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. Lamar Jackson is the frontrunner for the MVP but wouldnt you rather have a frontpasser? Jackson continued to take a big steamy turd on the AFC over the weekend putting up a madden-esque statline against the Texans. The game featured yet another example of Pass Interference Interference as DeAndre Hopkins was tackled before he had a chance to catch a first quarter touchdown before first having his jersey notarized and achieving a consensus vote after a presentation to the UN by Colin Powell to prove that he was being interfered with. Its almost like Roger Goodell cant win- either fans are going to be mad at him because the existing rule isnt being enforced properly, or they’re going to be mad at him because the new rule that fixed the old one is even worse.
Theres only one option- let offensive players call pass interference, and let defensive players call targeting hits on a defenseless recever. That way the game establishes a normal equilibrium where there are consequences to the players decisions. A elegant solution would also be to test each player in the infraction and see who had higher levels of thc in their system which has been known to increase aggression and lack of coordination occording to Joe Biden. Either that or lets see Goodell get his hands dirty and make each replay call himself – a leaderhsip style employed by Bill Pullman in Independence Day as he flew combat missions against the aliens.
2. Everyone is saying that Tua is going to fall to the Patriots on account of his hip injury that he suffred on Saturday, and I’ll be the first to say this stinks to high heaven. Tua was a agreed-upon consensus first overall pick as recently as like 3 weeks ago and now people think he could drop to 31 when the Patriots pick ahead of the Vikings? Its well documented how close Saban and Belchick are, Saban has secretly hated having a really good QB that takes away from his perferred method of winning games 20-13, and Tom Bradys got that same look in his eye he had with Bridget Moynahan back in the day when he was one foot out the door.
Its not that crazy to thnk that Nick Saban is putting his prize pupil on ice in order to funnel him to his best friend (Belchick and Saban are best friends because they’re the only person that the other guy dosent consider a active enemy), in order to see what he’s got with Mac Miller now that they have no chance at winning the national title, and also it makes room for Tua’s brother to stick around likely for 4 years like Saban would perfer his QBs on account of he’s not as talented.
The proprietary ankle surgery that only exists in Alabama is shady enough on its own. Its apparently a procedure that involves a superstar player being put under, turned into iron man through some combination of witchcraft and or stem cell (abortion) injections. Why would anyone expect a state that makes you drive to Louisiana for family planning services allow there star players to pour vials of embryos directly into their bone marrow? Dosen’t add up at all.
3. Speaking of unusual hip injurys, thoughts and prayers to Mitch Trubisky who is dealing with one of his own. I have to suspect theres some nerve damage involved as well on account of he didnt even seem to be in any pain at all. In fact Mitch looked so healthy that if PJ Fleck was his coach he would of been thrown out of the game for going to check on him.
That doesn’t mean there’s nothing to discuss however as it appears the long awaited Chase Daniel era has begun and theres a new sherriff in town- one who most assuradley will not have a rule against having TVs on at the practice facility.
Things were going so poorly that Collinsworth coudnt even think of a nice way to say it sucked, but this was literaly a touching moment. A head coach telling his QB its not you its me, and as a shoutout to our good friends in Canada it was tragicaly hip.
4. The Minnesota Vikings are making believers out of just about everyone including reluctantly myself after years of being correct about not beleving them. They have a running back who is healty, a tight end who exists again, and most importantly a QB whose strengths appear to no longer be the fact that his weaknesses arent that bad.
There is however one glaring ommission that will prevent the VIkings from getting over that hump necesary to reach the super bowl: they are still missing Ragnar, there mascot from 2014 who after a ugly pay dispute, retired from riding his motorcycle out onto the field on gameday.
Ragnar’s demands were pennies compared to what other NFL teams spend on pregame necessties like putting out speaker fires and patriot misssles to shoot down any ordinance accidentally dropped from a fly-over. He wanted a guarenteed contract worth 2 million dollars (or approx $20k per game) which is less than your paying almost every player on the active roster.
Instead, the Vikings very greedily chose to walk away from negotiations leaving Ragnar blackballed by the NFL. He hasnt gotten a invitation to another camp, his phone hasnt rang, but he’s been staying in shape waiting to get that call. This is the man who they’ve broken via Yahoo:
“I know how NFL players feel after they’re no longer wanted. It’s a tough pill to swallow. One minute you’re on top of the world, everyone loves you. The next minute, you’re an SOB.”
Thats the cold hard cruelty of this league. The second they can find someone to do your job for cheaper, your discarded faster than a Kirk Cousins pass once he begins to feel literaly any single bit of pressure.
It certanly stinks of collusion- to me and anyone else whos ever been in a courtroom as a defendant or taping of family court. There was even a dark moment in Ragnars life when he momentarly became a Packers fan, wearing a cheesehead before a important divisional game, which the Packers won. To some that might make him a sell out, to others that just demonstrates that he’s not a system mascot, he’s a force to be reckoned with capable of producing results for any team.
Ragnars ready he just needs a team to take a chance on him to prove it. The playoff beards still there, the bike is humming, so Vikings what do you have to lose?
5. The Steelers need to appeal Mason Rudolph not getting supsended if they want any chance of making the playoffs to stay alive. I dont know what it would take, perhaps a argument can be made using various screenshots circulating that Rudolph was trying to grab Garretts crotch but due to his documented inaccuracies with his right hand making inappropriate passes he was not able to connect. Regardless the non-suspension is just as devestating to the Steelers as Garretts indefinite suspension is to the Browns and they need to go through all channels to remedy this.
6. Colin Kaepernick has his workout this weekend and called a audible at the last second to change the location of it. I wanted to include this in my artcle about the NFL to get more SEO so that people would find it.
7. The concept of Superteams have now invaded our gameshows:
Im a big Trebek fan- from his Quebecois accent to his barely masked disdain when the contestents go 0-5 on a sports category, Alex has been a staple of television my entire life. I want him to be the host of Jeopardy for forever, but we need to at least have the discusson of who can possibly fill those big shoes eventually. I for one could see Cris Collinsworth stepping in, but starting every clue with “Al, heres a guy who” e.g. Al here’s a guy whose work in studying gravity started when a dang apple fell on his head Al.” Then every competitor answers in the form of a question- “Isaac Newton holy cow- you kidding me?”
8. Every Sunday night after I get home from taping PMT and lay awake in bed trying to unwind from all the exitement of watching football and then talking about football until 2 AM, I like to read the only good place on reddit- the Today I Learned section just to inundate my brain with fun facts. Last night I read that Ball- the same company that makes Mason Jars, also has a division for building satelittes. Its the manufacturing equivlant of having Jameis Winston and Ryan Fitzpatrick on the same Bucaneers roster back in 2017. I want to know how this got started – were they a space exploration company whose sciencists wanted to also get fucked up on stronger liquor as they were building the Challenger? Or were they making such great storage devices for moonshine that they eventualy wanted to design intruments to measure it?
9. The Washington Redskins have figured out a lifehack into how to deescalate protests:
Its brilliant in its simplicty. If you keep your crowd small enough theyll never be able to band together and challenge your incompetence. There’s a reason the Wyoming government has never been overthrown, or why theres never been a riot at a James Dolan concert.
I looked it up and there has never been a Interim Head Coach who has been fired in the course of his duties. I believe the Redskins should look into breaking new ground in the field of inventing a interim interim head coach to keep the seat warm until such time as they can hire Gregg Williams. Maybe you become coach untill you lose then they pass it on to someone who wants the gig. Order of succession could be- Rob Ryan, Jim Tomsula, some young guy who looks like Matt LaFleur, Matthew McConnaughey, Joe Gibbs on speakerphone from inside a garage not watching the game, John Riggins’ ammo salesman, and finally- Pete Rose and you get to try to figure out what side hes got his money on.
10.THIS WEEK IN FULLBACKS
Thats right I’ve long said Christ himself was the orignal fullback- coaches son, crown of thorns was a mans mans neckroll, there’s a reason his names JesUS not JesME. These guys dont have a martyr complex its a mortar complex because they strap themselves in there shells and clear the way for a ground attack to break through the trenches.
Big fullback news of the weekend was Quentin Nelson getting a look at a goaline carry from the upback position, scoring, and immedately doing a kegstand celebration with the rest of his linemen. The Colts “pony keg” endzone ceremony will go down as perhaps the best example of guys being dudes of the season. Doesnt matter that the touchdown was taken off- as a matter fact I believe that Nelson and the rest of the team knew that he didnt get in, they were just celebrating a half yard gain and some good smash mouth football.
Fullback assisst update- So far here are the season leaders in FBAs:
1. (tie) Kyle Juscyzkzhczyk, Alec Ingold(4 each)
3. (tie) Patrick Ricard, Danny Vitale, CJ Ham(3 each)
6. (tie) , Derek Watt, JP Holtz, Patrick DiMarco , Zach Line, Andy Janovich, Nick Bawden, Jamize Olawale (2 each)
12. (tie) Darren Bates, Maxx Williams, Chandler Cox, Keith Smith, James Ferentz, Alex Armah, Sheldon Day, Alandon Roberts, Ben Watson, Alex Ellis, (1 each)