With Thanksgiving approaching quickly and the NFL score bugs getting ready to go from the falling leaves animation to the snow with Christmas lights animation, I decided to do some hard hitting journalism about one of the hottest debates in human history: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I'm not sure if you guys knew this, but people get very passionate when arguing about a completely subjective topic on the internet. Every year we seem to get a different person's opinion. Two years ago, the writer of Die Hard reignited the #debate like John McClane did the runway at Dulles International Airport in the worst of the three Die Hards (we ignore 4 and 5) by saying Die Hard IS a Christmas movie.
While last year, Bruce Willis flipped the script by claiming Die Hard IS NOT a Christmas movie.
So this year I decided to break the tie by going to a source outside of that godless place mortal men call Hollywood and instead went to the reason for the season for His take on this very important and extremely fresh question.
Being a good Christian boy with a crippling Twitter addiction, my first attempt to contact my lord and savior was @'ing him on that little blue bird's app. If you can get in touch with sitting Presidents and LeBron James on the app, why not the son of God? I figured my blue checkmark should at the very least get a response if not a quote retweet since my fellow checkmarks in the Blue Checkmark Brigade love being holier than thou and who is holier than Big J?
Hours have gone by since that tweet, which means my tweet to Jesus either landed on the same deaf ears that my prayers to Him for a Knicks/Mets change in ownership have or He ignored me because I'm a bitch boy blogger with roughly 10% of his Twitter following and .0000000000001% of his actual real life following.
Undeterred, I did what any good journo would do and thoroughly searched for a new source on some Woodward & Bernstein shit. That's right, I went to Google (dot) com.
Of course! Why didn't I think of AskJesus.com to begin with? I fetched my yellow notepad then went directly to the site and asked the lamb of God the question that has caused more carnage to the world than anything done in the name of the Christ.
Ughhhhh. So apparently Jesus felt like talking like the Genesis version of his dad (not the band, video game, or former halftime show. But the vengeful God).
Running out of options and hoping to get this blog published sometime before lunch, I did what any great reporter would do when trying to find an answers, which was simply scroll to the next Google result.
Needless to say, I went directly to JesusCares.com and met Lisa, who apparently is a spokeswoman for JC. I asked her my question and quickly received an answer.
There you have it, folks! A quick and painless answer to the timeless question (I waited to 10 minutes for Lisa to say something else, but she never did, likely because her eyes had rolled through the back of her head). Die Hard is NOT a Christmas movie according to the birthday boy Himself. I know you can also say that this is the most tired debate in human history. But it gets a visceral reaction from the people and more importantly the clicks! I mean you not only clicked but made it this far down a Barstool blog, which is pretty much just as impressive as turning water into wine in my eyes.
And if you made it down this far, you either love Die Hard, Jesus, and/or me a whole lot. No matter which of the three brought you to this point, I think it's only right you buy this Christmas sweater for all of the upcoming holiday parties you have. Name another ugly Christmas sweater that replaces the word Motherfucker with Merry Christmas. You can't!
And since I feel bad taking clicks in the name of trying to sling merch, here's an old blog where I power ranked the top 25 Die Hard characters
The Definitive Die Hard Character Power Rankings
Simply put, Die Hard is the best movie of all-time. It is also a Christmas movie. So ipso facto, Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all-time. With less than 2 weeks until Saint Nick squeezes his fat ass down a billion chimneys, I figured it was the perfect time to put my Die Hard Power Rankings up on The Stool.
These rankings only apply to the first movie. If you are ranking the actual movies, it goes 1,3,2 (while imagining that 4 and 5 never happened). And comparing Die Hard to the Bond or Bourne movies is like comparing Mariano Rivera to Ruben Rivera. No contest.
Anyway, here are the Definitive Die Hard Character Power Rankings.
25. Airplane Passenger
This douchey know-it-all gives McClane some rock solid advice about “fists with your toes”. If you have never tried “fists with your toes” after a long flight, you are a Grade-A boob. I also kinda wish this guy took a bullet to the dome at some point of the movie.
Gotta give Tony some serious props for being able to cut the phone wires before Karl comes in like a maniac and chainsaws everything. Growing up with Karl must have been tough, since he is a legitimate fucking psycho. Tony cannot be ranked higher because he is quickly outsmarted by McClane, has awful fashion sense, and dies like a pussy. Plus he clearly has a baby dick based on the size of his shoes.
Eddie is a decent shooter with the midwestern charm and demeanor that makes Barstool Eddie look mean and aggressive (which is basically impossible).
22. Harvey Johnson
Hey look! It’s LA’s least favorite anchorman! Harvey stands out as an arrogant jerk in a movie full of them. I imagine he is a drinker, womanizer, and absentee parent. If he was on TV today, there would definitely be a viral YouTube video of him dropping racist comments as the cameras were recording without his knowledge.
Ahhh, Paulina. Holly seems to love her, but she doesn’t put up much of a fight against Thornburg. She lets that weasel and the news team in the house to interview/exploit the kids and puts their parents in danger. That being said, she does get bonus points for likely being the inspiration for the Family Guy maid.
20. Gail Wallens
When we are first introduced to the news team, we see how Gail keeps everything professional despite being surrounded by a small army of blowhards. She also has awesome 80s hair and a pearl necklace. Haha, pearl necklace.
Hans’ ace skydiver comes in at this spot because of one scene that ages like a fine wine. What an accent! What a dose of irony!
The older you get, the more you respect Ginny. She works her ass off on Christmas Eve for a soulless corporation and is looking to get boozy despite being 9 months pregnant. She just reeks like a party girl single mom that wouldn’t make it 10 minutes as a Mets employee under Jeff Wilpon.
17. Agent Johnson
Clearly the cooler-headed of the 2 Johnsons, we don’t hear much from him in the movie. But his “I was in Junior High dickhead” line is phenomenal and he kinda looks like Carl Weathers in this picture, which has to count for something.
16. Lucy McClane
Lucy is up this high for a few reasons. She answers the phone like a professional. She isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions (When are you coming home? Is daddy coming home with you?). And she has the cutest lisp in the history of cute lisps.
15. The Couple Banging During The Christmas Party
Getting down during your company’s Christmas party is pretty damn ballsy in general, let alone when the party is in the office. You know these two call #Mailtime regularly to bump nasties. As for this chick’s boobs…
14. Joseph Takagi
A sophisticated, well-dressed man that ends up with a blowhole in the back of his head. Literally the kind of boss that would die for his company’s well-being. He definitely gives off that “pushy Asian dad” vibe, though.
13. Airplane Stewardess
The “fuck me eyes” this little minx has for McClane almost throws the whole movie for a loop. If he wasn’t going to see his kids, I guarantee he takes her and his giant stuffed bear back to a hotel and spends a lovely Christmas Eve yippee-ki-yay’ing all over her. Hans robs the building, the hostages die, and the terrorists are on the beach earning 20% before anyone has a clue what happened. That is how powerful this look is. Resisting it may be the most impressive thing McClane does in the entire Die Hard series.
Uli steals every scene he is in and makes the most out of every minute of screen time. All that and A+ facial hair make him a first ballot inductee to the Bit Movie Character Hall Of Fame, along with Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park, The Baby from Roger Rabbit, and John Candy in Home Alone.
11. Special Agent Johnson (No, The Other One)
Basically the prototype for every cigarette-smoking, blowhard government agent in future action movies. Special Agent Johnson is the Hardo’s Hardo. A Top 10, maybe Top 5 character in any other flick.
10. Richard Thornburg
This is where the list gets really tough to chop down. Thornburg is such a great sleezeball that he appears in Die Hard 2 and you are actually excited to see him. As ruthless and cunning as a TMZ reporter, Big Dick Thornburg was ahead of his time. But this isn’t even this actor’s best performance of a dickless asshole in an 80’s movie.
9. Dwayne T. Robinson
Dwayne T. Robinson is to bumbling Deputy Police Chiefs what Special Agent Johnson is to FBI Agents while the inclusion of the middle initial lets us know how much of a fuckhead he is. Dwayne T. is simply the prototype for all future movies to copy. His chemistry with Powell could have lead to a fantastic black and white cop sitcom that would have killed it in the ratings. The execs in Hollywood just don’t know a can’t miss when they see it. He obviously was also the GOAT asshole authority figure in The Breakfast Club as well.
Argyle is the most likable character in the movie. He cracks jokes, knows how to have fun while on the job, and would probably help you bury the body of a dead hooker if it meant he would get a better tip. His achilles heel is that he has terrible awareness of what’s going on around him. Busting through the gates of a parking garage after a hostile showdown with terrrorists was not the smartest thing in the world. I do not understand why the LAPD didn’t open fire on his limo after he did that.
While we are talking about it, why didn’t Argyle drive through that gate earlier in the movie? And what if Theo wasn’t a terrorist? Would ramming into his car and knocking him out been a smart move? There are always more questions than answers when it comes to our buddy Argyle. But since he is smooth as fuck, we are willing to overlook them.
The biggest European movie badass this side of Ivan Drago, Karl is the real muscle behind the operation. Hans is the planner, Theo is the brains, and Karl is the rabid dog off his leash after Tony gets killed. The cat and mouse game with McClane keeps you on the edge of your seat for the entire movie. Karl has incredible hair, shows great leadership, and survives an attempted hanging. Let me say that again: HE SURVIVES AN ATTEMPTED HANGING! Finally, Karl being a ballet dancer in real life is one of the biggest mind fucks you will ever experience.
I think the reason I love Theo so much is because I see a lot of myself in him. He is the smartest villain, the wittiest character in the movie, and has a silver tongue. “Oh my God, the quarterback is toast” and the “Twas the night before Christmas” play by play are so fucking great. Theo is the 6th man of Die Hard. He may not get the most minutes or the best stats, but the whole team/movie falls apart without him.
This seems about right for the best estranged wife in the history of estranged wives. This is the woman that was able to tame the bucking bronco known as John McClane. That feat alone puts her in the Top 5. I will deduct points for the whole maiden-name fiasco, regardless of the motivation behind it. And despite her whole 80s get up, Holly looks fine as fuck at the end of the movie when she is covered in blood/sweat/sprinkler water. Okay, that sounded less weird in my head. Moving along!
4. Al Powell
Al Powell is the kindest soul in Die Hard. He buys Twinkies for his pregnant wife, ignores insults from convenience store clerks, and is always there for John. Sure Powell mistakenly shot a kid once, but that was before social media, so all the mainstream media fuckheads probably ignored it. We love you for who you are, Carl Winslow!
3. Harry Ellis
A poor man’s Jordan Belfort, Ellis loves blow more than the 86 Mets. He shamelessly goes after a married woman, cares way too much about self-image and brand names, and tries to buy/negotiate his way out of everything. He is 1980s America all rolled into one glorious stereotype. Somehow you love Ellis every minute he is on screen yet also cheer when he takes a bullet between the eyes. There is something to be said for that type of versatility.
2. Hans Gruber
And here he is folks, the greatest movie villain of all time. Hans has an eye for fashion, an incredible bad guy voice, and is always one step ahead of the game. He is ruthless, calculating, yet hilarious. Hans Gruber was such a great character, that when they revealed that Simon was his brother in Die Hard 3, it made the movie roughly 100000 times better. He is definitely in the Top 5 for best movie characters ever. Substitute anyone else for Alan Rickman, and both Hans and McClane are not as nearly entertaining. The only reason that Hans is not number one on this list is because his plan ultimately failed.
Underrated fact: Hans Gruber’s last words were “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker”, followed by a long, creepy laugh scene that will never get old. Simply hearing “Yippee Ki Yay, muddafuck” in Hans’ accent will always be funny.
1. John McClane
Not much needs to be said about John McClane. If you read this much of the blog post, you already have a good idea how great John McClane is. He is the coolest, funniest, toughest person ever. He is not only the best Die Hard character of all-time, but the best movie character of all-time and a true American hero.
NOW HIT HIS GODDAMN MUSIC!!!
And seriously, buy a shirt. Come on. If you made it all the way this far and you don't buy our Die Hard ugly Christmas sweater, you are no better than the
terrorists exceptional thieves that took over Nakatomi Plaza that fateful Christmas Eve in the greatest Christmas movie of all-time (I don't care what Jesus has to say on the matter. That Dude died like 2000 years ago and knows nothing about modern cinema. Sorry Lisa). I put more work into this blog, as well as the pseudo reblog in the 2nd half of said blog, than some people put in at their job during the entire week.