You Better Start Showing The Emperor's New Groove The Respect It Deserves

Carl11/14/2019 5:00 PM

I'm not trying to get all Lights Camera Carl on you guys especially this early in the morning but there's been A LOT of Disney chatter around the internet lately and I just can't take it anymore. There's celebrations literally fucking everywhere right now. I just went outside to get the papers-get the papers and I heard two well dressed gentlemen arguing Little Mermaid vs. Sleeping Beauty like there isn't room for two great giants in the pantheon of fantasy animated films about distressed princesses.

It disgusted me.

I head back inside and post up at my breakfast nook. (Not pictured.)

There, I try to relax over the funny papers and some no-carb Rockstar when BOOM right there in the editorial section I was confronted with my greatest fear: 600 words on why Pixar is more responsible for Disney's 21st century success than any other related platform. It was a real blue checkmark piece of journalism ifuknowwhatimean. Toy Story 1 THIS and Toy Story 2 THAT. I was sick to a stomach holding 18 ounces of marshmallow flavored energy drink and jimmy dean breakfast sausage, doing everything in my will power not to puke.

Shortly thereafter, I puked. (Also not pictured.)

Reeling in disgust, I turn to my second favorite 4chan Disney conspiracy theory discussion board to find answers.

WHY ON THIS MONUMENTAL DAY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE

I found none.

I'm exhausted.

We're talking about the 58th best Disney movie out of 542 eligible contestants as determined by the Internet Movie Database.

Movies below? How about Peter Fucking Pan. Bambi. Beauty and the Beast Live Action. Lilo and Stich. Dumbo (The Original). Godfather 2 and Homeward Bound.

All of them beneath the feet of Emperor's New Groove and still no action which means it's time for my big boy pants. Time to be Mister Hot Shot Internet Influencer and persuade you guys into being on Team Emperor's New Groove with me one goddamn time.

Here goes:

It's fucking awesome. David Spade kills it. 80 minutes of witty adventure-based dialogue paralleling class divide and the underlying humanity that touches us all. And when I say humanity - I mean that literally and figuratively. At one point Emperor Kuzco transforms into a llama and it's a real knee slapper.

And if that's not fancy pants enough for you, try arguing with these virgins: The body of work speaks for itself. Only question left is what side of history do you want to be on.