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James Harden 2.0: Kirk Cousins Suffers A Significant Statistical Decline Playing In Cities With Largest Megachurches

Asked and Answered:

Last week we saw a huge sabermetrics breakthrough as a reddit user analyzed James Hardens preformences in cities that have the best strip clubs, and determined that there was a observable statistical decline. It led me to wonder on Pardon My Take how else we could apply this type of data analysis for NFL players, and more specifically- if theres a statistical correlation between the NFL cities with the largest megachurches and Kirk Cousins road performences. Well thanks to twitter user StephenDataViz we have our answer:

Lets take a closer look:

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The data tells us that 10-15 in citys with the largest megachurches compared to a lifetime 31-25 record as starter in all other cities. This fits directley in with my theory that Kirk suffers a communion hangover, or spiritual exhaustion during games in these citys especially if they’re the late afternoon games. It isnt a suprise that Kirk would play with a little less urgency after having it drilled into him that Sunday should be a day of rest, but even I didnt think we’d see this type of drop-off.

Much like Harden finds himself obsessing over the hour glass figures of his own Mary Magdelines, Cousins finds himself focusing perhaps to hard on the body of Christ. Kirk rolls into Charlotte with a big sweaty stack of ones and instead of putting them into a g-string he puts them in a collection plate. Going to a wonderfull superchurch is like going to a Grateful Dead concert- it lasts for like 5 hours, everyone worships a dead guy w a beard, and you take copius amounts of LSD- Love for the Savior and Disciples. The end result is the same- you feel secure on a spiritual level, you might see someone convulsing and speaking in tongues, and you need alot of hand sanitizer after shaking hands with plenty of strangers. Plus after moving outside the sports radio mecca of Washington DC its probably good for Kirk to hear a little DC Talk that isnt focus on how he should be benched.

Now Kirk didnt have his best or worse game last night against the Cowboys, but there’s no doubt about it he was helped by a little Hail Mary luck at the end perhaps bolstered by spending a little extra time studying a little extra of the lords playbook. Looking ahead Vikings fans will be please to know theres only two games remaining in one of these cities of original sin and thats at the Chargers were he will no doubt find himself out-testified by Philip Rivers and his Moses-like troupe of offspring, and then the last game of the season in Chicago. Maybe he should be more concerned with the only baptism thats worth a damn- the dousing of Mike Zimmer in gatorade because there’s only one righteous gemstone he should be focused on, and thats a superbowl ring.

Onto the rest of the column

Private First Class Swag Kellys weekly letter home:

SwagKelly2

Im bacccccccc bitches. They put me on the gameday dolphins verse the dolphins it was the swagtivation heard round the world and i did a good job like you told me of not getting caught on camera freakdancing with a cheerleader or lighting the kicking net on fire as a prank. the league sent out a memo advising us against taking edibles on a plane which is my favorite activty almost like the league is afraid to let me be me. one time i tried to make a gravity bong out of the little black box which was the first time the Air marshall said anyones ever managed to break it. Looks like its back to bath salts for ya boy dont want to risk my health

hit me on the hip. pagers good,

Swag

Ten Things I Know I Know

1.  Antonio Brown is attempting another comeback no offense, this time taking to twitter to form approxmately a thousand burner accounts and ask for retweets that will put him back on a active roster for the veteran minimum salary as is stipulated by the CBA. Brown should be extra motvated next year given there are two brand new organizations that will likely also not vote him as team MVP so he could be a steal. Love to see him reunited with Todd Haley not necessarily on a NFL roster but mostly just for a yet-to-be named reality show about two guys who cuss at each other but bond over there mutual hatred of Mike Tomlin and paying bills on time. A classic story of a falling star and his coach. Haleys Comet coming to CBS next fall.

2.  Historys greatest battles:

-Germany verses the Russian Army
-Mike Tirico verse 23& me results
-Cleveland Browns verse the one yard line

The Browns ran 8 plays from the one and settled for a field goal. Say what you want about Hue Jackson but at least his offenses werent good enough to get close enough to scoring to hand the opponet a morale-boosting goal-line stand. It was a battle of Lake Erie between the Bills and the Browns- two teams that hnestley should be in the same division of each other. They should make a divison of misery with Cleveland, Buffalo, Jets, and Bengals and once you win a division title you get relgated out and the Lions take your place.

3. A report came out last week that Jeff Bezos was taking some time off his busy schedule of pretending hes not Lex Luther to consider purchasing a NFL team. Word on the street is hes gotten very chummy with Redskins owner Dan Snyder and I for one am over the moon. It woud be a nice change of pace for a franchise that is used to getting owned by the Washington Post. The time for Bezos to buy would of been right as they acquired Jason Campbell whose key feature was also a delivery that took apporximately 2-days, but better late than never I suppose.

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4. The battle for New Jersey ended with the Jets retaining the rights to the state. Gregg Williams grey hair stripe is exapanding rapidly as he continues his transformaton into a hitman in witness protection. Just connecting the dots but anyone else find it interesting that world renowned bounty expert Gregg comes to Manhattan and just a few months later Jeffery Epstein turns up croaked?

5. Big Ben continues his transformation into the guy from Epic Meal Time at a incredble rate:

I brought this up on PMT but its worth unpacking here a bit. Cam Newton got injure, went vegan, now his body wont heal. Kapernick same. Big Ben knows the best way to regenerate his soft tissue is by going on a mediterranean diet high in pizza, ravioli, and tiramisu. A QB who has grown accustomed to mid november being hand warmer szn understands the importance of always keeping hot pockets close at hand. You cant pull fat.

6. Most people thought the Heisman backfield that the Ravens employed highlighted the most atheletic duo of QBs to ever share a meeting room in NFL history, only to have their crown snatched mere hours later

Bortles came in, didnt throw a interception, and moved the ball to the right hash mark, setting up Johnny Hekkers perferred field position to throw a incompletion. Bortles pulled a rare cuck-sweep of Pittsburgh back in 2017 winning a playoff game and a regular season game in Heinz field. He;s like how Chipper Jones was to Shea stadium, so its easy to see why Sean McVay wanted to get him in there to provide a spark.

Minka Fitzpatrick is now offically the irish Troy Polamalu, racking up the turnovers and touchdowns for Pittsburgh and demonstrating his playmaking abilty. He is the modern day Forrest Gump, a fast Alabama alumn that always finds himself at the right place at the right time and is introducing himself to everyone in a enviroment where people are always missing the Bus.

7. File this under “hell yeah”

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Hi this is Americas mayor & I want to talk to you about my favorite toothbrush the quip pro quo. You guys can laugh at the idea of a practicing lawyer doing a podcast were he discusses ongoing legal issues but he could be tainting a entire nations potential jury pool in one fell swoop by putting this out there in the public domain.

8. I blame the Saints loss on LSU whose victory over Alabama led the entire state of Lousisana to be hungover as all hell during Sundays loss against the Falcons. Most fans in the dome were probably either still drunk or more likely, not being done drinking yet which made the homefield advantage vitually nonexistant.

My big takeaway from the aftermath of LSUs road win is that Coach O is the leader of the future:

I want Coach O leading us in any eventual uprising against robots since his undefeated record verse computer closed captioning makes him a invaluable asset. He would be the modern-day equivlant of a Navajo wind talker when it comes to our communication war. His strenghts are there weaknesses- robots lack emotion entirely and coach Os DNA is just a double helix of passion and resolve. Mark Zuckerberg and his little face book doesnt stand a chance verse Coach O and his binders filled with pictures of offsenive coordinators that he will hire to modernize our nations military.

9. Seattle and San Francisco battle tonight in a matchup of which city has done a better job of ignoring a  housing crisis while allowing their city councils to be run by people who spend more money on there zip up vests then they do on road maintenence. It also is a Richard Sherman revenge game were he will be pitted against his former team where he lost a superbowl by not giving his QB a good enough look during practice at undercutting passes from the two yard line.

Its truly a yen and yang situation with these two teams. Youve got one coach who lost a heartbraking superbowl to the Patriots because of a offensive brainfart when they passed instead of ran, and then you’ve got Pete Carroll. Youve got notorious sex-haver Jimmy Garoppolo and then you’ve got Tyler Lockett.

10. THIS WEEK IN FULLBACKS

Kyle Juscyzkyczsk remain in first place, as he makes his triumphant return to the offset I-formation tonight. Alec Ingold has been on a very short-yardage run recently, while CJ Ham had perhap’s the best highlight reel of any fullback this week:

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Fullback assisst update- So far here are the season leaders in FBAs:

1. (tie) Kyle Juscyzkzhczyk, Alec Ingold(4 each)

3. (tie) Patrick Ricard, Danny Vitale, CJ Ham(3 each)

6. (tie) , Derek Watt, JP Holtz, Patrick DiMarco , Zach Line, Andy Janovich, Nick Bawden (2 each)

12. (tie) Darren Bates, Maxx Williams, James Ferentz, Alex Armah, Jamize Olawale, Sheldon Day, Alandon Roberts, Ben Watson, Alex Ellis,  (1 each)

Aaron Rodgers/Matt LaFleur Relationship Thermomemer:

We will be keeping track of the looming impolosion between the mercurial signal-caller and his first year head coach using the latest in scientific advancements- memes. 

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This weeks rating is: were back to Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. Rodgers has decided maybe its time to let the old ways die, and Packers fans are all abored their new identity as Gaga Stans now that deer season is back and even there cars are pulling up to Labeau decorated as their favorite diva’s dress covered up and down in raw meat.