The Sun — If you were hoping that this winter’s freezing temperatures had sent the hated stink bugs packing, you are out of luck. Turns out, they have the good sense to come in from the cold. “I would be nice to think that winter killed them,” said Stanton Gill of the University of Maryland Extension, where he specializes in integrated pest management. “But I doubt it. They are good at finding places to hunker down.” While one researcher recently found that nearly 98 percent of brown marmorated stink bugs died in the cold outside his lab, other experts expect to find no more than a 50 percent death rate over the winter. That is more than the normal 25 percent rate, but it won’t rid the Mid-Atlantic of these annoying and destructive pests. They most likely snoozed through winter in warm spaces — like inside your house.
What the hell was all this for? I’ve been shivering my dick off in single digit temperatures for weeks and I come to find it was all for nothing. There’s 3 things that are absolutely miserable about this area: Traffic, speed cameras, and fucking stinkbugs, in no particular order. The devil’s trinity of the DMV. And here I thought the man upstairs was doing us a huge favor putting us through another Ice Age. Spent hours of my winter shoveling snow with a big shit-eating grin on my face thinking that it’d all pay off, that I wouldn’t have to waste hundreds of my happy tissues flushing those fuckers down the toilet. No such luck.
So here’s what I propose. It’s colder than a witch’s tit today, and it’s windy as fuck. Abysmal stuff. I say we all just get up from our cubes, pack up our weekend best, and drive south until the map turns blue. An adult spring break if you will. And while we get hampstered and pass out on the warm, sunny beaches of Florida, Obama can drop an atomic bug bomb on the entire Mid-Atlantic. Kill off them bastards once and for all. Boom, two birds, one stone. Ain’t no party like a fumigation party because a fumigation party don’t stop.