The Official Chicago Head Coach Power Rankings
We're getting redundant around Barstool Chicago and that's okay. Facts are facts and the facts say we are absolutely miserable right now as a sports city. If it's possible for an entire place decline any more rapidly, let me know.
In the meantime I'll be over here watching my dad's 85 super bowl tape with full commercials.
Can you blame me for hiding?
We stink so bad at nearly everything that it's overwhelming to even think about assigning blame. There's so much to go around. The McCaskeys and Reinsdorfs get a big taste. Stan Bowman and GarPax. Pace is under fire. The White Sox have been in AAA forever. The Cubs fell apart faster than they ascended. Jason Heyward is an albatross of historical proportion and I still can't stomach the courage to look at the Blackhawks payroll without gassing grain alcohol on a bed of room temperature no-carb Rockstar. Then and only then can I move past the anguish Cody Parkey so deeply embedded in our collective subconscious.
And that's putting it mildly.
Let there be no doubt: I've got enough ammunition for everyone in my crosshairs. I just don't have the stamina for the ensuing 20,000 words it's sure to generate so let's keep things simple and focused.
Let's talk about how much our head coaches suck.
But let me first remind everyone that at one point in this very same decade, our teams employed the following leaders AT THE SAME TIME:
Joel Quenneville
Tom Thibodeau
Lou Piniella
Ozzie Guillen
Lovie Smith
The year is 2010. You're using Facebook without irony and dropping Netflix DVD's at the post office on your way to Qdoba. It's a good time to be a Chicago sports fan. Years later you'll read a blog power ranking the 2019 Chicago head coaches and in that blog you'll come to realize that 2010 was the Golden Era.
This is that blog.
Now we could sit here and lick wounds on how far we've fallen or we could be adults and get down to business by explicitly quantifying just how much our head coaches suck.
Some Abbreviated Resumes:
Jim Boylen, Bulls: 2-6 in 2019 with 6 blown leads in the 4th. 19-47 overall with the Bulls. Objectively stupid.
Jeremy Colliton, Blackhawks: 34-35-12 since replacing the greatest hockey coach of our lives, arguably still a virgin, completely over skis and hated by Chief
David Ross, Cubs: has never actually managed which is actually a good thing at this point on the list
Rick Renteria, White Sox: 201-284 with White Sox, sacrifice bunt enthusiast, hates data and modern baseball in general
Matt Nagy, Bears: 3-5 in 2019, not an idiot, has gone 10 steps backwards overnight, Mitch stinks so bad
If you need more information on what's going on, you're in the wrong place.
The task wasn't easy emotionally but we made it through using a point system. I asked everyone to rank 1-5, and they did for the most part. Eddie didn't rank David Ross because he hasn't managed yet. Chief said everyone after Ross is #5. WSD and I actually agreed on the entire list and Big Cat was harsher on Nagy than the rest of us.
I gave 1 point for the #1. 2 points for #2 and so on. For Chief I assigned 5 points to each of his coaches 2-5 to appropriately weight for his uniform disgust. For Eddie and David Ross, I only used 4 votes in the denominator and omitted Eddie's score which didn't really impact things. But I want to be transparent because when you write a blog like this you have to be over the top about your objectivity and scoring system or else Bill Simmons will just do it better. And louder. So here we are being over the top. Feels good to be this deep into the blog without actually revealing the power rankings.
And now 1,000 words paralleling the relationship between Chicago fans and their teams with that of Steve Urkel and the Winslows on Family Matters
Everything else is pretty self explanatory:
Your Results (Average Score):
1. David Ross (1)
2. Rick Renteria (2.8)
3. Matt Nagy (3)
4. Jeremy Colliton (4)
5. Jim Boylen (5)
Some quick observations:
- How much has Nagy fallen to even be close to Rick Renteria
- David Ross is walking into a cupcake situation. Worst case scenario this year he's decent - and in this company that's amazing
- Boylen. Woof.
- WSD and I agree on more things than you'd think
- Eddie not ranking David Ross is wild to me. Like even on some stupid group text thread the man lives by such standards of decency I can hardly wrap my head around it.
- Colliton should probably get fired before your FriendsGiving
- Big Cat described Jim Boylen as Tommy Boy but only up until the part where he burns the car in the meeting. Not any of the good character development stuff that follows. Nope. Just the aspects where he is the biggest intellectual liability in every room at all times. Pretty hard to disagree:
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And thus concludes 2019 Chicago Head Coach Power Rankings. What did I miss?