4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE


Breaking Down The Scene: The Man Who Nonchalantly Shit On An Airport Floor

Behold, a live-action IBS Diary caught on camera.

Everyone else here sees a sociopath who casually shit on an airport floor without breaking stride. We in the IBS community see a man who just flawlessly executed an accident that needed to happen. Let’s break this down from an IBS’er perspective.

The first thing we look at is the man’s pace. Most people’s grace period steps are a power walk, but this victim’s are short and tight. This indicates that he is on his final clenches. He can no longer defend the wall and knows a breach is about to happen, so he condenses his steps in an effort to fire off his shot as subtly as one can under these conditios. Had he remained in a power walk, the shit could have flown forward or shot backward depending on the length of his stride, but when you tighten your steps you allow said poo to drop straight below you to avoid this. Again, he couldn’t have executed it better if he wanted to. Did not skip a BEAT while letting it fly.

As far as the guy who slipped on it—the one who the normal bowel community may refer to as the true victim in this—that’s just being at the wrong place during the wrong time. There’s nothing else you can really say about that one. Stepping in human fecal is one thing, but to slip and fall in it? Tough break. No one wanted that to happen less than me and IBS America. But in our world when you have to go, you need to go, and our fellow union member here couldn’t have pulled off a better performance in doing so. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Follow/Unfollow @DannyJConrad