Friday Funbag
For the past month or so I've been privately doing a behind-the-scenes "mailbag" where I answer peoples' fun questions about sports, sex, pop culture, and other dope stuff via email and DM. Now that there seems to be a new demand for this type of content on the internet, I figured I'd make it public and share some of the questions I answered in October.
I'm a freelance music journalist, and as such am lucky enough to have some really talented musician friends. One of my boys in particular, Travis, is the lead singer of this band that I think is insanely epic. Their newest album is loaded with absolute sex jams. Do you think it would be weird to bone (fuck) my girlfriend to Travis' music, and if so, should I tell him?
-Josh, 10/7/19
Sounds like you're overthinking this, dude. Nothing weird about that at all. Especially since it seems like your boy has some heavenly pipes! I'm sure he'd be cool about it if you told him. Hell, If I found out that someone in my friend group fucked to one of my Sirius XM ad reads, I'd be ecstatic that Chris finally got laid. Just make sure you pick the perfect verse or riff from one of their tracks to play during the sex so it's not too awkward or uncomfortable. Back in my college days I used to cue up "Panda" by Desiigner at the perfect timestamp so I could get all my stroke(s) in during his "D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-AHHHHH!" ad-lib. Trust me, it'll make the (your) orgasms so much more epic.
Should the NFL implement a mercy role?
-Cameron, 10/11/19
No.
What's good, KB? It's me again. So my dude Travis and his band will be out of town performing in New Haven this weekend. They've been on a goddamn tear lately, bookin' shows left and right. I can't even imagine how much tail that fucker is pullin' lol. With his perfect hair and insane body lmao. Gotta be bonkers. Anyway, he let me borrow a key to his studio a while ago and I forgot to give it back. Do you think it would be, like, chill if I smashed (fucked) my girl in there while he was gone? It's something that's been on my bucket list for a while.
-Josh, 10/16/19
Kind of an odd thing to have on your bucket list, but I don't see why that wouldn't be okay. Sex is for sure dope, but it's even doper when you do it in new places. I've been preachin' that for years. Being surrounded by music equipment is a natural aphrodisiac and the ambiance/acoustics in recording studios could make for an epic boink sesh, in my opinion. I remember my homie Drew (Grammy-award winning musician from The Chainsmokers) admitted to me that "pussy hits different in the stu" over some hose puffs at the Pergola hookah lounge in Flatiron last March. Not exactly sure what that meant but it sounded like a positive thing. Good luck, man.
Could you name a dozen players playing in baseball currently that will be in the Hall Of Fame?
-Pratyush, 10/18/19
No.
Ayyy, KB. Ended up doin' the dirty (fucking my girlfriend) in Trav's studio over the weekend! Such a surreal experience. I was blaring one of his unreleased acoustic covers so loud that it completely drowned out the sound of my girl's moans! Without a doubt one of the most pleasurable moments of my life. The sex wasn't half bad either. Anyway, while I was in there I swiped a couple of his band's new posters and took them home with me. Do you think it would be weird if I, like, I don't know, jacked off a lil tiny bit onto one? Not in a gay way (obviously lmao) because I'd be thinking about naked chicks and stuff like that the whole time. But the aesthetics of the poster are super sensual (Trav and the boys are standing on the Brooklyn Bridge in a thunderstorm, sopping wet from head to toe, and you can see the skyline and some gnarly lightning bolts in the background). You think that would be chill?
-Josh, 10/21/19
Proud of you, homie. Man to man, I've always said there's nothin like some good, old fashioned sex. Glad you pulled the trigger, boss. Not sure we're on the same page when it comes to that poster thing you mentioned, though. Are you trying to just use it in place of tissues or a towel while you look at porn or something? I feel like you could find a better material than a poster but I guess I wouldn't judge you if that's all you got.
Is wearing a Curt Schilling jersey the same as wearing a MAGA hat?
-Dylan, 10/24/19
No.
Yoooo KB. Blasted off all over that poster! Completely fuckin' ruined it and Lee Harvey'd the shit out of Travis too lmao. Preciate the green light, brother. Super stoked to get my hands on their official 2020 band calendar. Heard the fellas did an epic biker gang pose for the February photo (Like the Wild Hogs poster minus the shirts). Anyway, Trav invited me to his show in Rochester on Saturday and I'm obviously beyond stoked about it. Only problem is the old lady can't make it because she has a mandatory work seminar at her boss's vacation home in the Hamptons, so I'm gonna be on my stag shit lol. Not necessarily worried about that, but Trav told me he has a boatload of chicks lined up to party at our hotel after the show (typical Trav). Gonna be a total beaver lodge from what I'm understanding. My question is do you think it would be chill if I asked Travis if I could, like, watch him have sex? Not in a weird way obviously. I'd just wanna get up close and see that stud bangin' puss from a good angle for the first time. Plus, I think it would be mad funny if I, like, hopped in there with him as a joke. Maybe help him out a little bit if there's anything the girl refuses to do lmao. I don't know, I'm just proud of my homie's success and wanna show my support while also busting his balls a little bit lol. That would be chill and funny, right?
-Josh, 10/30/19
I'm no cinephile but I consider Wild Hogs to be one of the greatest films of this century for a multitude of reasons. Depending on how well your friend Travis and his band replicated that photo, you might be in for a hell of a February. Man to man, I think that movie was the collective peak for Johnny, Martin, William, and Timmy. Not a single dull moment from start to finish from that cast. I remember seeing it in theaters for the first time back in March '07 (the same day that Georgetown beat Pitt in the Big East basketball tournament) and spitting my cola all over the woman in front of me because I was laughin' so fuckin' hard. Kind of lost you when you mentioned the part about watching your boy have sex or whatever, though.