I am currently facing what feels like the worst problem I’ve faced in my life and with no idea where to turn, I’m asking for your guidance and compassion. I’ve been married for two years to the love of my life, but, about six months ago, I did a terrible thing. My husband and I were at an event and drank way too much. We befriended a lesbian couple seated near us and continued to drink with them at a nearby bar after the event ended. At some point during the very hazy drunken night, one of the women and I kissed briefly in the bathroom. I have no idea why I did something like that. I woke up the next morning with a hangover and an indistinct memory of what had happened. I didn’t tell my husband.
For a long time I was able to pretend the kiss had never happened, but recently it has become all that I can think about. I am consumed with guilt and regret. I’m having trouble concentrating at work and I want to cry every time I look at my husband. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and I think the kiss happened because I was so unhappy for a long time and just wanted to feel loved/desired. I’ve barely looked at another man since I met my husband, so something about this woman felt safe or better somehow. I was drunk, confused, and very sad. I know I can rationalize my behavior all I want, but it doesn’t erase what I’ve done.
Which brings me to my questions: Should I confess this to my husband? Will the amount of time that it took me to tell him ruin my marriage? Will telling him just hurt him and make things worse? If I should tell him, how do I go about doing that? How do I move on from this?
– Horrified and Terrified, Massachusetts
Meredith Hoss Goldstein’s Answer
A: If you’re feeling awful “every second of every day,” tell him what happened. Confess during one of your relationship talks, when you’re both in a good mood and really listening. It’s not that I condone the kiss, but I do want you to put it in perspective. Are you still thinking about it because you’re unhappy with your physical relationship with your husband? Are you obsessed with it because you’re confused about your feelings for women? Or are you simply freaked out by the idea of a cheat? Please spend some time defining your angst because your husband will have questions, probably more about your feelings about the kiss than the kiss itself. And maybe I’m overreacting here, but if you have any fears about how your husband will react to your kiss disclosure, please make that confession in therapy (a couples session) where you’ll both have help processing his feelings. There’s no need to go through this alone.
Readers? Is the kiss a big deal? Why is she thinking about it so much? Should she tell him and if so, how? What’s happening here? Help.
El Pres Answer
Dear Horrified and Terrified,
Umm what are we even talking about here? I mean we’re not talking about you sucking some dude’s dick in the men’s room. We talking about you kissing a lesbian. We talking about practice.
Seriously this is the worst problem you’ve ever faced in your life? Well I got great news for you then. Guys don’t give a fuck if their girlfriends or wives make out with chicks as long as the lesbo chick is hot. Trust me if the First Lady said she wanted to have a threesome with another girl I’d be all over it. Best gift she could ever give me. So you want to know how to tell your husband? This is how. You bring your little lesbo friend home, wrap her tits and ass in a bow, wait for your husband to get home from work and have a surprise threesome. BEST WIFE EVER. Thank me later.
Guy who spends entirely too much time dreaming of threesomes