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10 Ways To Know You Found Your Soulmate

Soooo, I did a thing over the weekend. Not my brother's Turbo Thrust™ fleshlight or mother's homemade boysenberry pie this time, but something equally unforgettable and photogenic. I (finally) got engaged to my beautiful girlfriend. Well, I proposed to her at a Utica Comets game when we were on the jumbotron (!!!) and she said "probably," but let's call a diamond a diamond—that's my future wife. Honestly, I knew she was perfect for me the moment I met her outside of Flynn's on Fire Island back in early September, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't learn a handful of things about my Labor Day Weekend sweetheart over the course of our relationship that truly solidified her as my soulmate. The fact of the matter is that it takes time to find the yin to your yang, and, in the meantime, you're probably going to have to go through a lot of improper matches. Gosh, I know I did. Here's a list of 10 tell-tale signs that you and your S.O. are perfect matches for each other.






1. She's physically capable of ingesting liquids with your friends


I knew my ex-girlfriend wasn't "the one" because she continuously made excuses about why she couldn't drink with me and my friends. Whether it was "I'm lactose intolerant" when there was only milk in my fridge, "You don't have any friends" when there was only me in my friend group, or      when she was in a medically-induced coma after the accident, there seemed to always be something "stopping" her from tossin' a few back with me and the boys. Luckily, my current fiancé is the polar opposite, and nothing stops her from getting drunk with my friends. Not even me.

2. She has the ability to consume meals with your parents during the evening


Jarrett hit the nail on the traumatized head with this one. Anyone can "eat" puréed mush through a feeding tube in the comfort of their little hospital bed, but it takes a full blown wife to agree to accompany you to a dinner at Le Benardin with your parents and successfully consume a plate of Hiramasa sashimi and four glasses of Savenniéres while silently being in their presence and on their tab. Do you think my indestructible rock complained that she had to miss happy hour with her personal trainer Brent that evening? Hardly.


3. She's physically and medically able to party with your friends


I can't stress this one enough. Unless you don't see any type of future with your significant other, it's so, so important that they're fully able to have fun with your friends in a variety of social settings. Not only does my infinite muse enjoy going out and gettin' down with my boys, but she prefers partying with them over anyone else. Including me. And when I say "partying" with my friends, I don't mean struggling to open up their sympathy gifts and feebly grasp onto the string of a "Get Well Soon" balloon before slipping off into a pentobarbital nap like a half-dead Debbie Downer. I'm talkin' full-blown partying (poppin' bottles, dancing, grinding, raving, rolling, etc.) with them.

4. She has the ability to eat meals with your parents during the afternoon


Willy Boy with the bull's eye! My ex (pre TBI) used to make pathetic excuses like "I'll be at work but I'd be more than happy to have them over for din-blah blah blah" when I would invite her over to me and my parent's place for lunch. Fortunately, I moved on from that literal train wreck, and my charming cherry blossom doesn't let petty bullshit like "prior commitments" or "employment" prevent her from letting my parents drop off harvest chicken casserole and B-berry pie at her apartment during the daytime.

5. She has the ability to party with your friends AND eat meals with your parents


Alexander, you dirty dog! I'm callin' the fuzz (police), because you described my fiancé a little too perfectly with this one. LOL…I'm just bustin' your balls, brother. But I'd be lying if I said my prized pearl isn't a jill of all trades when it comes to having the wherewithal to enjoy both the presence of my friends and the cooking of my mother.

6. She's capable of hanging out with your friends and parents on back-to-back days


To this day I can still distinctly remember, about two weekends ago, when my kindred spirit went out of her way to meet up with my parents and I at Panera Bread (her favorite fast casual chain restaurant) for Sunday lunch (she showed up an hour late but she's a total ditz like that lol) after spending an entire day and night hanging out with my boys Jeremy and Fahad at Rolling Loud. Her phone died halfway through the evening and she only got an hour of sleep, but my snuggle muffin still managed to make it to Panera the next afternoon and finish off my broccoli cheddar soup and baguette before bravely heading out to Day 2 of the music festival.

7. She has the natural ability to celebrate specific occasions in the presence of your friends and eat specific meals in the presence of your parents


My dude Nicholas knows what's good. Not only did my eternal flame hang out with Jeremy and Fahad at Rolling Loud, but she also went to A$AP Rocky's exclusive after party in Brooklyn with them.

8. She possesses the skillset necessary to attend the same social gatherings as your friends and consume the same afternoon meals as your parents


Nickyyy boy with another truth bomb! I call this one "the whole package" when it comes to females. A girl who can find a way to not only balance time between you, your family, and your friends, but also between her family, friends, personal trainer, favorite DJs/rappers, and favorite DJ's/rapper's stage crews? That's wife material. And the Burberry scarf that A$AP Rocky generously let her keep? That's cashmere silk material.

9. She has an elite arsenal of talents that include the ability to converse with your mother, interact with your friends, swiftly chug beer, mock you, and dress herself on the weekend



Upon second glance, this one actually might be a little too much to ask for, but I'd be damned if my boundless buttercup isn't on pace to learn how to effectively shotgun a beer and communicate with my mom by the time our wedding rolls around.

10. She attempts to forgive you for deeply hurting her 


Do you think my perpetual princess just gave up on me when I was being overly nosy about her sexually explicit text messages to Jeremy, Fahad, A$AP Rocky, A$AP Ferg, A$AP Twelvyy, A$AP Bari, A$AP Relly, and A$AP Ty Beats? Heck no. She did everything in her power to show me forgiveness and help me fix my toxic and overbearing tendencies, even if it meant grounding me from texting her for an entire month.