The Tanner household on Full House was a sham built on lies and deceit

I’ve wanted to go public with this for years. It has bothered me since I was about nine years old. Do you know how deep something has to affect you as a 9-year-old boy in Mississippi to cut through the meth and disarray around you to still be affected 31 years later? Deep as hell.

I think Danny Tanner’s entire life was a lie. I don’t know if he was cucked or if he was willingly playing along, but Danny Tanner lived a fraudulent existence for 8 seasons on ABC and continues to do so on a poorly rated Netflix show to this day.

Forget the fact that this show is remembered way too fondly. I mean, I’ve seen every episode and the theme song makes me feel good, but it doesn’t deserve the following it has.

Yes, we all know the story. Danny Tanner was a widowed father of 3 who enlisted his wife’s brother and his best friend for help to raise his three daughters in San Francisco. Or, at least, that’s what the poor bastard appeared to believe. But I never bought it. I never could get past the obvious connections – or lack thereof – between the daughters and Danny.

So here’s my problem: How did Danny Tanner, a 6-3 dark-haired man, marry the sister of incredibly Greek and incredibly dark-haired Jesse Katsapolis, and the resulting brood included three blonde girls? How did that happen? And I know Jesse changed his name from Cochran to Katsapolis sometime before season 3, but does that retroactively change his sister and DJ’s mom too Greek?

There’s just no chance that Danny produced three blonde girls with this Greek woman.

Hello, Joey Gladstone. You sonofabitch.