If The Los Angeles XFL Team Drafted Shawn Oakman Simply To Get More Fans, I Can Confirm It Worked At Least Once
Look, I am usually a New York sports fan for better or worse until death does us part. I have suffered through countless losses/debacles rooting for the Mets and Winter Mets (the Knicks) without ever thinking of changing my loyalty. I have a standing feud with the second tallest building in the city because he is a bitchboi front running skyscraper that will wear the colors of any team, no matter how much New Yorkers hate said team.
#TeamFreedomTowerForLyfe
So it's no surprise that I was all ready to enter the first season of XFL 2.0 as a New York Whatever Their Names Are fan once the season kicked off.
HOWEVAH, two big things happened.
1. The New York *checks notes* Guardians named Kevin Gilbride as their head coach.
I had to live in the hell that was having Kevin Killdrive in charge of calling the Giants offense one 3rd & Long draw from shotgun at a time to the point I dreamed of snuffing Gilbride like Buddy Ryan did once upon a time.
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I don't think I am ready or ever will be ready to have any degree of football happiness in the hands of Kevin Gilbride. At least unless he is surrounded by Tom Coughlin, Eli Manning, a couple of good receivers, and some combination of Michael Strahan/Osi Umenyiora/Justin Tuck.
and of course
2. The Los Angeles Wildcats drafted meme legend Shawn Oakman. I know that tweet is supposed to be kind of a joke but also kind of serious. But picking an XFL team should be like picking someone late in a fantasy draft. You might as well choose someone that is fun to watch. And watching Shawn Oakman walk to the coin flip looking like Optimus Prime is fun.
By using the same line of thinking, I actually thought about becoming a DC Defenders fan simply because they got YouTube sensation and freak of nature known as Noel Devine.
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But they didn't end up taking him, which is fine because it felt weird jumping on the DC bandwagon considering they are slowly becoming Title Town 2.0, or at least Title Village since Boston probably still wears the Title Town Crown. Plus the LA Wildcats already had an old Simpsons clip I could use to fire me up on (whatever day of the week XFL games are played) mornings.
So congratulations, Los Angeles. You got at least one new fan (and based on your other professional football teams, maybe your first fan) simply by drafting Shawn Oakman.
Did I write this entire blog just for the chance to include that preposterous gif? Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself. But if anyone from the LA Wildcats is reading this, I would love a chance to visit the stadium as a superfan if your budget has room for an all expense paid trip from NY to Cali for a dad that wouldn't mind a weekend away from the kids. I even have the victory song of the city ready for if when the Wildcats win the XFL championship.
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Blogger's Note: I know about the lawsuit involving Shawn Oakman in college. But he reportedly turned down a "generous" plea deal before being found not guilty by a jury. So I am going to hope he is able to get his life/career on track and become 1/10th of the player that absolutely ridiculous picture said he was.