Rough N' Rowdy 19 LIVE from Providence, RI | Tonight 8PM ET | Get $80 in Vouchers to the Barstool Store, Balls Beachwear, Would Grooming and Stella Blue CoffeeBUY NOW

The IBS Diaries Vol. 15

polly

Welcome to week 15 of The IBS Diaries. For the first time in franchise history, we have a second story from the same IBSer. From the man who brought you The IBS Diaries Vol. 10, comes another horror show. Let’s give Anonymous the floor as he shares his story with us.

AA

I had a few friends text me about seeing the story and 1 guy from college was surprised I didn’t submit a story from then.  Not sure if you ever do 2nd stories from somebody, but here it goes.

Never be afraid to add to your reel here. Repeat offenders are more than welcome.

I spent my Freshman year living at home and going to Community College and with all my friends going away, I traveled a lot of weekends to other schools.  I visited the University of Dayton the most to the point when I was out with friends, there were people who thought I went to school there.  The routine was pretty regular: pre-drinking before hand, going to the bar “The Hanger”, when the bars closed going to a house party in The Ghetto, and then if we were still standing, going back to “The Hanger” when it opened at 530am trying to take down a 22 ounce.

This particular night, we got let in through the back door early on in the night before they really had door guys working.  I didn’t really know yet about my IBS, and I just figured it was due to a lot of drinking and eating a lot of fast food late at night.  The night is going well and then my stomach starts to rumble.  I told my friend Dave that I had to go next door to the 7/11 to use their bathroom.  He said I couldn’t leave because I couldn’t get back in because there was now a door guy at the back door trying to stop freshman like us from sneaking in. He told me to just hold it and I knew then he didn’t realize the volcano that was brewing in my me.

“Just hold it” he says. Floodgates don’t help with a hurricane son. If he could hold it he wouldn’t be contemplating dropping one in a 7 Eleven in the 1st place Dave.

You may wonder why I didn’t just use the bathroom there, so I will paint you a picture of the worst setting possible to have to go.  If I could have gone out back behind a dumpster with no toilet paper, I would have done that over this.  First off, there was no door to enter the bathroom.  Looking from the packed bar, you could see a small sink right next to a urinal, right next to a toilet.  There was no stall and if I was going to do this, I would be on display for everyone there.

We’ve touched on doorless stalls before. It’s a strategy by the bar owner to prevent patrons from dropping bombs in their business. The Wet TP Bandits and the Upper Decker-ers ruined it for anyone trying to simply pass a bowel movement. Like I’ve said before, you never want to shit in a bar, but sometimes in life you need to shit in a bar. The only plan B for our victim here is an out-of-water transaction.

I made the decision I had to do this, the only other option would have been to shit my pants.  I am waiting in the line that starts outside the bathroom in the packed bar.

Potential witnesses: Everyone (?) at the bar plus men in line for the urinal sitting front row.

Pants situation: He’s at a college bar so it could be anything from blue jeans – mesh shorts. They seem safe from the line of fire (for now).

Current form of transit: Shoelace express

Nearest restroom: Bar bathroom (packed) with 0 doors for stalls.

Its finally my turn to be up and my option is the urinal.  The guy behind me is confused because I let him go first.  He can’t possibly think I’m going to use the toilet to shit.  The toilet is now open and I stand before it, knowing how savage I am going to look like.  I realize being close up that the toilet doesn’t have a seat and this isn’t going to be quick so hovering isn’t an option.  I take a bunch of toilet paper and make a nest on one side of the bowl.  It is too wide for both my cheeks to sit on so i need to use just one for support.  I take a deep breath, turn around, drop my pants and proceed to shit.

This guy is Carrie center stage post pig-blood drop right now. Shitting under the lights in front of a live audience. Might honestly be better off going with the accident route, but can’t not commend the courage display.

The setting is almost as if I am shitting in the middle of the packed bar with the added bonus of guys standing a foot from pissing in the urinal next to me.  I can see people outside the bathroom passing by, pointing, laughing, and dragging friends over to see the guy shitting in the bar.  One guy was laughing so hard he could barely talk telling me he was a 5th year senior and had never seen another guy use the shitter there.  I’m finally done, wipe, and head back to the bar.

Although I didn’t attend the school, there were a lot of people who knew me and who the friends I was visiting were.  Luckily it was the Fall of 1998 and cell phones weren’t a think.  If they had been, I don’t think I would need to tell this story because I think that video would already have gone viral.

I’ve read over 100 diaries and this was one of few instances where you may have been better off just shitting your pants. But that’s what the syndrome wanted him to do, so he didn’t do it. That’s what we call a spite shit. Thanks for sharing Anonymous and thank you everyone else for comin’ out. Keep the diarrhea diaries coming at djconrad41@gmail.com. 

@DannyJConrad

Old entries: