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The Official XFL TWO ROUND Mock Draft 1.0

Demons v Xtreme X

Ladies and gentleman, our national nightmare is over… DRAFT SZN HAS RETURNED!!!

1. DC Defenders – Noel Devine, RB, WVU

The only reason I’m doing this is as an excuse to post Noel Devine’s high school highlights. No idea how anyone watches this and thinks there’s another option for the top overall pick. You’re welcome.

2. Houston Roughnecks – Tyree Jackson, Buffalo

I thought for certain my eyes were lying or my idiot brain was mistaken. Surely this couldn’t been the Tyree Jackson that the NFL was considering drafting, like, earlier this year, right? No chance. And then I looked – SAME FUCKIN’ GUY! Should Tyree Jackson be starting in the NFL right now, no of course not. But not even seeing this guy on a practice squad feels wild to me.

3. New York Guardians – Connor Cook, Michigan State

Connor Cook will probably go higher than this but people forget he wasn’t even a captain at Michigan State. I’d take him off my draft board entirely but being a #fair and #objective Draft Analyst I know he is a lock for the top three.


4. Dallas Renegades – Christine Michael, RB, Texas A&M

I still believe Christine Michael is the right opportunity away from leading the NFL in rushing. I understand the Seahawks alone gave this dude like six chances to prove himself and he never even came close but I don’t care.

5. Tampa Bay Vipers – B.J. Daniels, QB, South Florida

The XFL put out a bunch of promo videos starring B.J. Daniels and he talks about playing in Florida in front of the hometown fans in every single one of them. This is the biggest lock of the first round. Some might even dare to call it collusion.


6. St. Louis BattleHawks – Stacy Coley, WR, Miami

His last name is my name. I really just want The U to send me his jersey. I’ve asked them on Twitter many times to no avail. Pretty rude all things considered. If the BattleHawks would like to send me his jersey I will also accept. Would be a real shame if both sent me a Coley jersey. A real shame indeed.

7. Seattle Dragons – Trevor Knight, QB, Texas A&M

The amount of quarterbacks whose names I know in this Draft feels like a really good sign for the XFL. Not even joking, just having guys who played at big programs very recently that we all remember can’t hurt. Or maybe it can, what the fuck do I know?

8. Los Angeles Wildcats – Brogan Roback, QB, Eastern Michigan

Steal of the draft. Legend. Icon. All of that. Brogan Roback was born to take over LA.


1. Los Angeles Wildcats – Sammie Coates, WR, Auburn

I still don’t know how Sammie Coates didn’t work out with the Steelers. I suppose it was dropping every ball that was thrown his direction, but still. Roback to Coates will be the premier connection of the XFL.

NCAA FOOTBALL: DEC 29 Russell Athletic Bowl - North Carolina v Baylor

2. Seattle Dragons – Shawn Oakman, Large Human Being, Meme

Very much against the rules of the XFL Draft where you can only take skill position guys but if I’m Seattle I’d argue that if Oakman could play his actual position he wouldn’t be in the XFL in the first place. I’m drafting him for the memes and the intimidation factor as the first guy off the bus. That’s his skill.


3. St. Louis BattleHawks – Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri

Once the Dragons threw a wrench into this draft the train went off the tracks quickly. The Patriots traded for Kony Ealy TWO YEARS AGO. Now, he was promptly waived and signed with the Jets but that’s neither here nor there. This man had a sack in the Super Bowl for the Panthers there’s no way he should be available in the second round of this draft even though it blatantly goes against the very rules Vince put in place.

4. Tampa Bay Vipers – Storm Johnson, RB, UCF

Since Oakman and Ealy went back-to-back Vince has since threatened everyone involved with the XFL and has righted the ship. Tampa gets to pair a couple Florida boys together and will instantly have the most loyal fanbase in all of Tampa Bay Football. Also, very few people have ever had better names throughout all of human history than Storm Johnson.

5. Dallas Renegades – Eric Dungy, QB, Syracuse

Eric Dungy made Syracuse football look competent. That alone should have made him a high pick in the NFL Draft. But it didn’t, so now the Renegades get their man. What a steal.

6. New York Guardians – Ryan Broyles, WR, Oklahoma

I remember Ryan Broyles. You remember Ryan Broyles. He can be to the guardians what Sterling Shepherd is to the Giants – an Oklahoma wide receiver.

7. Houston Roughnecks – Jonas Gray, RB, Notre Dame

I really wish I just posted the Noel Devine highlights and moved on with my life I do not care anymore are they really going to have SEVENTY more rounds of this???? Who knows maybe Houston will draw a matchup with the Colts for some reason and they’ll win by a hundred simply by handing Jonas Gray the ball 30 times. It’s worked before.

2012 Tostitos Fiesta Bowl

8. DC Defenders – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford

This is like when the Raiders took Bo Jackson after he quit the NFL and decided to play for the Kansas City Royals. It might not work but if it does? Now you don’t just have the best team in the XFL but very easily the best football team in DC since Joe Gibbs was coaching. And if he says no, who gives a fuck you already have Noel Devine you already won.