Does Bill Belichick Get Credit for a Confirmed Kill on Jay Gruden?

I’m under no delusion about Jay Gruden’s job status going into yesterday’s game. It’s no secret his career was on life support and maybe, just maybe, with a miracle win he could’ve lived another week or two. And if it jump-started his team into turning their season around maybe a month or more. But there was no reason for him to have green bananas in his office fruit bowl because he wasn’t likely to be around long enough to see them turn ripe.

That said, it was Bill Belichick that pulled the plug. It was Belichick’s game plan that, save for one broken gadget play with a couple of missed tackles, shut Gruden’s team out at home and put the Do Not Resuscitate bracelet on him. It was he who stood by Gruden’s bedside as his EKG went flat and the light left his eyes. It was he who pulled the sheet over Gruden’s head. Dan Snyder just came in later and called the time of death, Monday morning, 5 a.m.

So this begs the question, do we all this to Belichick’s list of confirmed kills? A list that, like Slider’s johnson in “Top Gun,” is long and distinguished. As a matter of fact, when I first heard about Snyder’s shitcanning, it occurred to me that if you wanted to find the last time a coach got fired immediately after losing to the Patriots, you have to go all the way back to … the last week of last year. When the Pats curb-stomped the Jets in Foxboro and Todd Bowles was humanely put down on the way to the team bus.

The kills come in different forms. The Hooded One is like the Dexter of coaching. Sometimes it’s the direct approach, where you lose your job before you even get to even see the game film. Other times it’s more of a long, agonizing death. For instance, since we’re talking about the Redskins, that game in 2007 when the Patriots were in full on Spygate Revenge mode, rampaging through the league and heartlessly running up the score without mercy. Then their victim was poor, overmatched, past his prime Joe Gibbs, the beloved icon who found himself on the business end of a 52-7 pantsing. It was 45-0 before Tom Brady was taken out, but the dogs were never officially called off as Matt Cassel kept throwing the ball on another TD drive. Gibbs sort of shuffled through the rest of the season in a hospital johnny, leaning on a walker with tennis balls on the bottom, but the damage was irreversible. He left at the end of the season, back to NASCAR or the assisted living facility he came from. No one was quite sure where he ended up. We just sort of let his career die with dignity.

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But sometimes these guys suffer a fate worse than death. They still walk the Earth in a sort of zombie-like fugue state. They live a half life. A cursed life. The animated corpse of what they once were, with nothing but the memory of the beating they endured to sustain them. A few examples, by no means the only ones, and in no particular order:

Doug Marrone:

Admittedly, things are starting to look up for Marrone and the Jaguars. Gardner Minshew fell into their lap and America’s heart in a way they never expected thanks to an injury and Minshew’s general awesomeness. But still, they’re 2-3. Meaning that, since they and the world declared the Jags had Arrived and were the Next Big Thing back when they had the Patriots down 10 late in the AFC championship game, they have gone 7-14. The self proclaimed Best Cornerback in the World is probably not even a Top 10 corner. But showed up to camp in a Brink’s truck, is maybe injured, maybe not, and can’t stop talking about getting sent somewhere he’ll get paid. And they paid a bunch of money for a quarterback everyone wants to be the backup now.

Pete Carroll:

This might sound like an odd choice given the Seahawks are 4-1 and coming off a big win over the Rams. But bear with me. For starters, ESPN the Magazine did an in-depth look at the way Seattle’s almost dynasty died in the nest once Malcolm Butler picked off Russell Wilson at the end of Super Bowl XLIX. How much animosity and resentment existed in that locker room toward Carroll for costing them a ring. And how there are only like three members of that team still on the roster. More recently, he’s under fire for his continued bizarro decision making like the play he called “Razzle Dazzle” when picking up two yards would’ve sealed the deal. The Seahawks will be in the hunt because they are an objectively talented team. But they’re also 2-3 in the postseason since XLIX and haven’t gotten past the Divisional round. More importantly, no one really trusts Carroll’s judgment when the big moments come and you get the sense everyone in Seattle would like to get a court to appoint a guardian to help save him from himself.

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Dan Quinn:

Remember after getting a 25-point lead ripped right out their souls that Dan Quinn told his team to “Embrace the Suck”? Even trying to make it a team slogan like “Commitment to Excellence”? Welp, they have. In fact, they did him one better by making it a lifestyle. They’re 1-4. Last year was 7-9. Since that loss in Super Bowl LI, they went from the league’s second best Point Differential of +134 to -21 over three seasons. His 2016 offense, that led the league in points by a huge margin is currently 21st in the league and his defense is second worst, behind only the Dolphins, who blow intentionally. One assumes the Falcons are trying to be good. And failing miserably. Quinn is probably going to follow Gruden to Kinko’s to get his resume printed off.

Warning signs: Sean McVay:

I’m not declaring this one, not by a long road. I like Sean McVay as much as the next guy. It’s just His offense that was the 11th most prolific in league history is currently 6th in the league and his defense is 26th. They’ve lost two straight and gave up 55 points to Tampa of all goddamned teams. I’m sure he’ll figure it out. But if not, there’ll only be one suspect: The most prolific serial coach killer in the business.