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I'm A Loser But Thank God I'm Not A Minnesota Twins Fan


I’m still reeling over the Bears game.  Absolutely disgusting game top to bottom, aside from Allen Robinson.

Blah blah blah.

But THANK GOD I’m not a Minnesota Twins fan.

Look, I live a miserable life.  I’m a living, breathing embodiment of the dude from The Waterboy:

I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with with charm, athletic ability, or a fully functional brain. You see, you’re an inspiration, to all of us who… who weren’t born handsome, and charming and cool, and and…

*Starts crying*
Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.  But that’s me.  I am who I am.

But last night I gots me to thinking… how miserable would it be to be a Minnesota Twins fan?  Yes, they’re in the playoffs.  Yes, I root for the White Sox, Northwestern and the Bears and I don’t have SHIT to hang my hat on in comparison to the Twins… or anything else in life, really.  But Saturday night after the Twins got dismantled again for the 15th time in a row in the playoffs, I truly wondered if I really do have it that badly.  This might be the spin zone of all spin zones, but that’s all I have right now.

Now I love the Twins organizational structure.  For a small market team, over the last 20 years they have been really good all things considered.  Now with them being a small market team they’re gonna have the standard 70 win team every few years because that’s just how baseball works, but last offseason they went out and made a lot of really astute, fiscally responsible signings and *boom* won 20+ more games this year than they did last year.  Absolutely murdered the ball all summer.  Set an MLB team HR record.  Won 100+ games or whatever it was.  As a baseball fan, watching Cruz, Kepler, Berrios and everyone else was a lot of fun.

But I’ll say it again: FIFTEEN PLAYOFF LOSSES IN A ROW.  That is absolutely absurd.  Now like everyone who reads Barstool Sports 99% of my emotions, finances and overall health is directly tied to the teams I root for.  I’m not totally kidding when I say this, but part of the reason I’m fat, drunk and stupid is because I am, in fact, a White Sox, Northwestern and Bears fan.  It’s a sad, pathetic life.

But I almost would rather live a life as an ugly, broke and pathetic loser that roots for ugly, broke and pathetic teams  than deal with losing every single playoff game my team plays in.  I am a mental midget and I couldn’t handle the emotional stress at that high of a level.  I’m not healthy as it is (aside from the fact that I ran a marathon in 5:26:36 two years ago nbd) so I’d probably succumb to a some sort of addiction to cope with each loss if the Sox were perennial contenders that pissed away every playoff series like the Twins do.

Twins fans, no idea how you do it.  I truly don’t.  With the White Sox *seemingly* becoming a good team next year, I am pretty sure I’m going to go down a dark hole of depression because the world hates me right now and I know they’re going to do something that breaks my heart and brain.  That’s just how shit has gone for me recently.

And a side note: I really wish there was an AL Central team I hated.  It’s kinda circular and depends on who’s good each year.  I don’t have any true disdain for the Twins, Tigers or Indians like I do the Cubs.  I’d love the White Sox to have a Red Sox/Yankees or Cubs/Cardinals type rivalry with someone.  They just don’t.  Maybe the coming years will breed a new rivalry with the White Sox seemingly being competitive, but at this point there’s nothing.  Nada.  Zip. I watch the Twins lose each playoff game and laugh at them, sure, but I don’t root against them like the Cubs or Packers.  Kinda sucks, like everything else in my life.


UPDATE #1 (1:42 CST) – An earlier version of this blog said the Twins “Almost” set the MLB team HR record. That is incorrect. The Twins actually set the record at 307 with the Yankees finishing at 306, a notably historic year for home runs which only further reinforces my point that the Twins murdered the ball all summer. Thank you for your patience as I work through daily challenges like Which Number Is Bigger Than The Other Number