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Why Does God Hate Minnesota So Much?

The Minnesota Twins in the 21st Century exist solely to get swept the fuck out of the playoffs by the New York Yankees. It’s just how baseball, the world, and the universe all work. It’s not the Twins fault. There’s nothing they can do to avoid this. I don’t care if prime Johan Santana, prime Francisco Liriano, Brad Radke, Jose Berríos, and Every Day Eddie Guardado all joined this year’s record-setting Twins offense. They’d still lose 3-1. And while discussing this fact on the web, Twins fans weren’t even offended. They didn’t lash out, they weren’t angry with me, they get it. But one tweeted me a list of just how bad not only the Twins have had it over the past 25 years – but the state of Minnesota as a WHOLE have had it.


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It’s one thing to know all of these things happened, it’s another to see the list in black and white charted out year by year to really set in just how bad it’s been. And while this list is already a mighty painful kick to the twig and berries, folks instantly started pointing out rather glaring omissions to an already brutal list.

Another one that didn’t make the cut: giving Kirk Cousins a guaranteed contract. It’s actually insane how brutal one sports town could have it over a period of time. It’s so bad that even CLEVELAND fans feel bad for them. Honest to God, Cleveland.

Speaking of God: what the fuck, pal? What is it about Minnesota that you’ve got some big problem with? Because sure, all sports cities have bad luck. Sometimes it’s just one team, sometimes it’s all four teams for a short period of time before one team breaks the mould. But most cities just suffer the routine ups and downs, highs and lows, enough to keep a general balance. But what’s happened to Minnesota over nearly the last THIRTY (30) years is downright a smite from the heavens above. For the life of me I can’t understand what they did to deserve this kind of fate. The people are famously nicer than people are supposed to be, it’s cold I guess? God really fucking hates lakes maybe? Prince is from there! How could a place that birthed Prince have such terrible luck beseeched upon them for such a long period of time? It will never add up and I would like it known that I don’t care for it. Something’s gotta break their way eventually, right? RIGHT?


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