The Dark And Twisted History Of Grimace
Yesterday me and Tyler got to talking about fighting mascots after this meme went viral.
Throughout the course of our conversation we got on the topic about McDonalds’ litany of mascots and came to the conclusion that, as a crew, they are unfuckwithable. You can’t topple Mayor McCheese, Ronald, the Hamburglar and the rest of the gang. They’ve got too many bases covered, from legislature shifters to literal street criminals. And then we took aim at Grimace. We all know Grimace but no one actually *knows* anything about Grimace. He’s kind of always just been around. Some unassuming purple happy-go-lucky looking thing that lurked in the background. Never taking too much shine but still got his face out there. It allowed him to keep his life pretty much secret… until today.
Our inquisitive minds forced us to dig. And what we found was in a word – shocking. For starters, this motherfucker used to be a criminal. While the Hamburglar was off steeling burgers, Grimace had FOUR arms which were used to swipe milkshakes. His punishment? He got two of those arms lopped smooth off his body. Clearly this decision was made back when the legal system actually worked.
But that was merely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this rotund, purple bastard. His parents? Unnamed. They know he has parents, they just don’t have names. They refuse to claim this slow, plodding dumb-dumb. It’s tough to blame him. He has two aunts, Mille and Tillie, who I like to believe take on the Patty and Selma roles of this clan. His grandma, Winky, and great grandma… JENNY… somehow weren’t coward enough to put their name on this family, but his parents were. His brother, King Gonga, rules over the entire nation of Grimace people. How his parents birthed both a KING as well as a dim-witted simpleton like Grimace is beyond me. Feels kind of like a Cooper and Peyton Manning situation.
Where the train came fully off the tracks for me was with his uncle. Look at this racist piece of shit.
UNCLE O’GRIMACEY. What the fuck, bro. Why is he green? Why is he the official mascot of the Shamrock Shake? Is it his cum? They’re clearly inferring that the shake is his cum, right? Gross, bro.
And while we all know Grimace and have accepted all his faults for decades now, he hasn’t been seen nor heard from him in nearly a decade. His last public appearance was on July 18, 2012, at Dodger Stadium. He was seen in the crowd, being his jovial self, enjoy the sights and sounds of the ballpark, dancing to his favorite tune “Black Betty” by Ram Jam, and then… gone. Like a thief in the night, never to be heard from or seen ever again. Where did he go? Was he kidnapped? Murdered? Did Uncle O’Grimacey get hammered drunk and beat him repeatedly over the head with a shillelagh? Is this all a big cover up? I don’t know, all I know is I wont rest until we get to the bottom of this and uncover what happened to Grimace on that fateful night.
I’ll find you, Grimace, wherever you are.
