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It Has Come To My Attention That Birds Are Not Even Real

I fucking hate birds. Bald Eagles are cool, but largely because they keep their distance. Every other bird is just a rat with wings. I moved into a new apartment this year and there’s this house a few doors down that ALWAYS has pigeons and those tiny little finch looking things in front of it. Drives me crazy. Can’t avoid the house on walks with George really, it’s difficult to avoid their shit on the side walk, and they’re always flying around my head because George spooks them as we walk by. It’s annoying. And disgusting. Last weekend I finally realized why they’ve basically established a colony in front of one house in Ukrainian Village…this one old PSYCHOPATH just throws them bird feed and then leaves his front door wide open and the pigeons just come and go out of his house as they please. It was one of the more disturbing things I’ve experienced on my street and I’ve heard gun fire multiple times. In the tweet I said that the FBI should be investigating people with birds, but I guess that is out because the birds work for the FBI

This is possibly the funniest newscast since boom goes the dynamite kid or the Alabama Leprechaun. If I had the power to hire this kid I would. I need to know more about him and the cause and how he got 55k followers on twitter. I hope Eddie can get him on Chicago Dogwalk. Personally, I hope he’s right because I need there to be less real birds on Earth. I’d make the trade for extra sophisticated spy drone birds watching my every move instead of real birds causing my dog to pull my shoulder out of it’s socket and to washing the shit off of my shoes.