I don’t care about your politics. I don’t care about my friends politics. Hell, I don’t even really care about mine. I think America is at its best when congress is on recess and the President is doing the Easter Egg Hunt, pardoning the turkey at Thanksgiving, lighting the Christmas tree and keeping our servicemen from spilling their blood fighting for people who hate us. Otherwise, just leave us the hell alone. And make sure that congress continues to defend America’s working people from that anti-labor tyrant Dave Portnoy. That’s pretty much sums up the spot I’ve staked out on the political spectrum.
But if there’s one thing I do care about, and it’s a great prank. The kind where people work together to goof on their opponents for no reason other than to mess with them. That’s the America I believe in. And it’s going on right now. Where people on the right are conspiring with one another to fuck up the great American institution of retired athletes, out of work performers and C-list celebrities dance competitively.
ICYMI, one of Trump’s 25 former Press Secretaries is on this season of “Dancing With the Stars.” And there has been outrage and righteous indignation from the left since the moment Sean Spicer was announced. Apparently because if you’ve stood at a podium spinning stories for an elected official someone doesn’t like, that is supposed to disqualify you from Salsa dancing on TV for a trophy. Just on moral grounds. Even though Ray Lewis, who plead guilty in court to obstruction of justice in a double homicide case in which he hid his blood-covered clothes from investigators, is also on the show. But the shock and anger was reserved for a guy who was a spokesman for a President. Got it.
Anyway, the people on the far right are not taking this lying down. It seems like owning dangerous weapons, prayer in schools and keeping gays from marrying are not the only things these people get worked up about. Suddenly they are passionate about the outcome of a TV dance-off. And they have united in an organized campaign to win Spicer the Mirror Ball Trophy:
Even the original, movie version Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Kristy Swanson – who set a record for the greatest photo spread in the history of late 90s guy magazines – is in on the action:
Again, it doesn’t matter where you stand on fiscal policy or international affairs. This is the kind of thing that, if you take it seriously and can’t have fun with it, the problem isn’t with Spicer or his supporters. It’s with you. This is like an alt-right version of the things Howard Stern used to pull. Like when his listeners flooded the ballot box for People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue with votes for Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf. Or when they almost got Sanjaya voted winner of “American Idol.” (Note: How was that 12 years ago?) It’s just sport. Harmless, victimless sport. Designed to piss off the people who, if they actually do get pissed off, deserve to be.
So I’m voting for #SpicerArnold. Which is to say I would, if it didn’t take effort on my part. Which it would. So I probably won’t. But I am with them in spirit. I hope he wins, just for the hurt feelings it would cause. And I say that strictly as a fan of chaos. And not because Sean Spicer and I met in his White House office and he’s a Pats fan.