10 Things (Real) Men Are Tired Of Hearing (From Women) After Their Favorite Football Team Loses A Game

Biologically, women aren’t capable of feeling the same degree of pain that men experience after watching their favorite football team lose a game in heartbreaking fashion. Just like we will never know what it’s like to feel the mild stings and tickles of childbirth, they will never know what it’s like to naturally spiral into a full-blown, alpha outburst that regresses our communication, motor, and social-emotional skills to that of a feral toddler. Male scientists and doctors are still in the process of trying to prove this theory with empirical evidence and stuff like that, but the assumptions are definitely there. With this knowledge in place, I decided to craft a list of the top ten things (in no particular order) that women should NEVER say to a man after his team loses.

1. “It’s just a game.”

You know what’s just a game? Solitaire, Zoo Tycoon 2: Marine Mania, and Russian Roulette. You know what’s NOT just a game? A football game. So when we witness the extremely negative outcomes that our favorite men in the world are forced to face after losing a game, the absolute last thing we want to hear from a woman is, “It’s just a game.”

2. “Would a blowjob make you feel better?”

Stop, and I can’t stress this enough, sexualizing the postgame grieving process that adult male football fans undergo after secondhand losses. It’s degrading to us, as overtly masculine beings, to even assume that oral sex from a woman will just magically cure the uncontrollable heartbreak of seeing our favorite male millionaires suffer defeat on Sundays. If anyone is going to emotionally or physically comfort us, it’s going to be other men who know what it’s like to go through that specific agony. Yes, white women, I’m mostly looking at you.

3. “You’re overreacting.”

This one might be my biggest pet peeve of them all. Why did you completely ruin the vibes of our gender reveal party by refusing to take any celebratory shots with me when we found out we were having a boy? Exactlyyy. Now stop acting like I’M overreacting just for taking a couple days off work after my squad lost a hard-fought regular season battle.

4. “Why are you throwing a tantrum?”

This is one of the most baseless, ignorant, and unintentionally rhetorical questions that a woman can ask grown men who are in the process of grieving a traumatizing loss. Let them uppercut urns and left hook lamps. Let them involuntarily shriek obscenities and slurs. Let me maniacally roll around on the ground and shed masculine tears for a couple hours. That’s called passion, sis. Maybe you should try it some time???

5. “Are you going to get us a new TV?”

For [real] men, destructing or violently lashing out at household items and other types of nouns is a natural emotional response to watching our heroes lose a big game. Especially if it’s the trauma-inducing television that was responsible for showing us that game. Yes, we’ll eventually let you take our truck to Walmart to buy a new TV. But the last thing we need you to do is pester us with additional stressors like thinking about the gas money it’s going to cost us.

6. “Why did you take your ring off?”

For the 1% of avid football fans who double as former football stars, our emotional breakdowns and meltdowns are almost ten times as severe as the ones that regular male fans have, and fifty times severe as the ones that female fans don’t have. So when we take our state championship ring off in the heat of the moment, it’s not because we stopped loving our high school accomplishments—that’s silly—it’s because the mere sight and feeling of it can trigger morbid realizations about how our favorite professional teams will never be as successful as we once were, and we have zero control over that. Believe me, we’ll put it back on next weekend, so, ummm…Stop. Asking. Period.

7. “Why do you care so much? You don’t even know any of them personally.” 

Whether it’s an 18-year-old college kicker or a middle-aged seasoned veteran in the NFL, as soon as we declare allegiance to a certain football team, its entire roster becomes our family members by default. And whether we’re sending that barely pubescent kicker a passionate death threat or begging that nearly retired quarterback to meet up with us at The Alley Bar after the game, it’s 100% out of love and 0% percent any of your business. And that’s that on that

8. “Not to make this even more awkward than it already is, but why can’t you get hard anymore?”

In the same vein as the post-loss blowjob offer, this is one of the most ignorant and sexist things that females can say to football-loving men who are still mourning a tragic pigskin loss. It’s only been five days since I was forced to helplessly watch my loved ones experience heart-wrenching defeat on the gridiron. It would be grossly disrespectful to them if I was capable of getting aroused by a woman or achieving an erection. And if that tea wasn’t hot enough, how about you focus on why you, and every other female for that matter, has always been so bad at getting me hard.

9. “Please calm down, babe”

Sksksk did you just seriously tell me to…I-

10. Why did “Little Caesars” just text you, “Hey it’s Josh from Grindr! Are you still good for happy hour tomorrow??”

The last thing men like me want to worry about after seeing our squad lay it all on the fucking line, only to fall short at the last second, is why some pansy ass part-time pizza boy is trying to hit on us and buy us drinks. That’s not going to accomplish anything but make me feel inclined to drive over to Little Caesars and give that little bitch a piece of my mind for a few hours. And yes, I’ll probably miss dinner so don’t even bother fixing me a plate.