I Demand That EA Sports Formally Apologizes To Daniel Jones For Making Him A 63 Overall In Madden

Clem9/23/2019 4:46 PM

I tracked down John Madden outside of an Outback Steakhouse and here was his reaction to the guy in charge of player ratings in his game:

I am not one to demand peoples heads or jobs be placed on a spike for simple human mistakes. But to the Madden Ratings Guy responsible for giving Daniel Jones a 63 Overall rating, I have three simple words:

Look, I understand that the Daniel Jones pick was roundly panned when it happened, with a good chunk of Giants fans losing their fucking marbles when it happened (Lets not act like the rest of the internet wasn’t pointing and laughing at Giants fans at the same time though). Fans are fanatics that aren’t supposed to be rational about their team, especially when they draft a guy they were told a billion times would be there 11 picks later with a potential stud pass rusher still on the board at 6.

However, the Madden Ratings Guy has to be better than us brainless monkeys fueled on adrenaline and light domestic beer. I don’t give a shit if this “guru” (heavy emphasis on the air quotes) is apparently a Cowboys fan. Being in charge of the ratings of NFL players in the most important sports video game on Earth is a higher calling than simple fandom. It’s like being the only judge on the Supreme Court. Any sort of biases must be wiped away while making a decision for your job. I get being swayed by all the hyenas popping off jokes on Twitter. But putting a guy that made Duke football watchable behind Tyree Jackson, who didn’t even get drafted, is a bunch of fucking malarkey. Even Jones’ best attribute (speed) looks like it was somehow shorted by the unjust and unfair people at EA Sports that appear to no longer be In The Game.

So I am asking for EA Sports to issue a hand written apology to my little lamb Danny Dimes after he dropped countless Roosevelts all over the faces of the Bucs yesterday as well as some sort of Edible Arrangement to fuel the #Danwagon for his upcoming game against the Redskins. No form letter with double spaced bullshit or anything like that. I want a full page written with a pen that will cause this rating guy’s hand to ache since nobody actually uses pen and paper anymore. Oh yeah and I’m asking for Daniel Jones’ Overall rating to go up 10+ points in the game and his Toughness rating to go up a million points after he brushed off finding out he was a 63 Overall like he brushed off these two superhuman monsters trying to kill him.

If not, I am officially #done with Madden and the once proud franchise is no better than Numbah One on the prowl when he has an axe to grind.

Save the bullshit about this only being a reaction to one good week. I’ve been banging this drum for months.

So if you are behind the cause and want to see the #Danwagon run over all the haters, buy a shirt and thank the Lord there are only six more wake ups until we get another Danny Dimes performance on the field.