Some Personal News: I Am Officially Converting To Klaytheism

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a big time Klay Thompson supporter. Not just because his jumper is wet or his defense is lockdown, honestly it has really nothing to do with basketball. It’s mostly because he’s a scaffolding expert who is high out of his mind around the clock. Well today Warriors Reddit dug up some interesting material from Klay Thompson’s trip to China where, apparently, they treat him more as a deity than man. Which is really how we all should have been living all these years, but I digress. I couldn’t be more all in on Klaytheism. Whatever the baptism ceremony looks like, count me in and convert me A S A P. Just look at these 11 simple rules to live by.

1.The universe is in me, I am the universe. You can never know what Klay is thinking, just like you can never understand the universe.

Klay thinks about like five things total: his dog, sativa, indica, hitting threes and not dribbling. Sorta like how Einstein wore the same thing every day so as to not bog down his mind with unnecessary thoughts, that is how Klay has modeled his life. Up until this summer his mother bought his clothes, now his supermodel girlfriend does. Truly the Einstein of modern times.

2. In any moment, only focus on one thing. Klay’s brain can never hold two things at once. Some may call it being focused, some call it being distracted.

Focus is key.

3. Be the anti-idol, public image is the concern of others. Klay is a god, but he is even more so a regular person.

What’s a god to a non-believer?

4. Lack of consciousness is the highest form of consciousness.

5. Be spontaneous, never say no to things that bring you joy.

Joy above all else? No fucking problem.

6. Expression management is not important. Klay’s brain cannot multitask, but if he stops smiling, you must get ready.

You know Klay is the nicest dude in the world because if my ad marketing team came back to me with multiple examples of, “Hey do you know how your brain kinda stinks at thinking?” I’d have to throw hands. But that was before I found religion, I’m now a changed man. Time to start living more purely like this higher being.

7. Of all things in the world, dogs are the best. What is girlfriend?

STRONG agree.

8. 11 is the most sacred number in the universe. 11th draft pick, number 11, K is the 11th letter in the alphabet. Why can Klay always splash? Because he makes the 11 sign with his hands, that is his antenna extending to the universe to receive his power.

Would anyone be surprised if Klay was talking to aliens through hand signals with regularity? I certainly wouldn’t.

9. Doing is better than talking.

Working on scaffolding is better than talking about scaffolding.

10. Only believers can predict the future. I will win the game the day after tomorrow.

11. The number 11 is sacred. Yes, it’s worth emphasizing again. We gathered 11 rules because 11 is the most powerful number in the universe.

Really mailed in that last edict but hey, the Bible’s got tons of filler and magic tricks, too. And way less talk about how great dogs are. I don’t know when the meetings are but I’m ALL the way in on Klaytheism. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some “praying” to do.