Rob Parker Calls Eli Manning the GOAT, Apparently Forgetting About Eli's Cheating

This is a very interesting, molten lava take by Rob Parker. One that raises a lot of questions. Questions that won’t be asked by me, apparently.

I’m impressed. Parker skipped right over the favorite tool of the people who don’t want to back up their opinions, the Mute. Instead he went right to the Triple Dog Dare of Twitter, the Block. Fine. I guess I’ll just have to do this myself.

As a huge follower of Rob Parker’s work these last few years, I think I can boil down his objections to Tom Brady like this:

Brady has been caught cheating.
Brady has been caught cheating repeatedly.
Brady owes all of his success to cheating.
Brady’s success means nothing because he’s done it through cheating.

Is that about it? More or less? I mean, I could add some stuff about how Brady can’t be that good because sometimes he hasn’t won the Super Bowl. And he’s getting old and his career will be over soon. That level of analysis, right out of “A Beginner’s Guide to the Anti-Brady Agenda.” Got it.

Funny thing though about dragging Brady over his serial cheating and multiple acts of sketchy behavior that have tarnished his legacy while simultaneous promoting Eli Manning as the superior player, is it’s conveniently forgetting a few things.

Walkie Talkie Gate anyone?

Source – The Giants unwittingly, and ironically, have done plenty in the past two Sundays to exonerate the Patriots for #DeflateGate. Yes, Giants co-owner John Mara is believed to have lobbied (along with others) for unreasonably stiff punishment of the Patriots. … [T]he Giants forced the NFL into a clumsy, awkward spot by complaining about Pittsburgh footballs under circumstances that could have been easily explained by natural deflation on a cold day. The NFL couldn’t say that without indirectly clearing the Patriots, so the NFL initially circled the wagons — and then eventually veered off script with a comment that later had to be described as the product of a misstatement.

As to the walkie-talkie scandal, the looming decision to give the Giants a relative slap on the wrist for a blatant and brazen violation of a known rule shows how bizarre it was to hammer the Patriots for a rule that was, essentially, the exact opposite.

Since the Giants got caught cheating (and their subsequent non-punishment), the franchise has gone 10-28, including playoffs. Prior to that game, Eli’s career record was 106-88. It now stands at 116-116. Remember in 2007 when everyone said the Patriots owed their success to taping opponent’s sidelines and that once that stopped they’d come back to the pack? How about 2015 when they said once Brady can no longer bribe The Deflator and Dorito Dink to let air out of the footballs, he’d transmogrify into Mark Brunell? His record since then, starting with Super Bowl XLIX, is 59-15. It would appear though that, without that extra time to get signals from the sidelines, Eli is simply not the same QB.

But what about Brady tampering with the footballs, you ask? Or Rob Parker would, if he could argue this out like a man instead of hiding behind a Block like a coward? I’m glad you would’ve asked, Rob. From 2013:

When Eli Manning drops back to throw his first pass Sunday against the Dallas Cowboys, the football in his hands will be as familiar as an old friend.

That is because the ball has been scoured, scrubbed, soaked and seasoned, a breaking-in process that takes months and ensures that every ball used by the Giants in a game will meet Manning’s exact preferences. The leather will have been softened, the grip enhanced and the overall feel painstakingly assessed.

There are no new balls thrown around in an N.F.L. game. …

In all, there are always about 36 specially marked Eli Manning balls sequestered and protected in four large ball bags. If a coach looking for a ball at practice should unwittingly approach one of the bags, the team’s equipment director, Joe Skiba, will pounce: “Get away, those are Eli’s game balls.”

Skiba added: “No one is allowed to touch those balls. They’re precious jewels. Too much work has gone into them.”

Imagine. Oh, the humanity. I’m getting a case of the fussies at the mere thought of a quarterback being particular about the condition of the footballs and making sure team employees who handle them do so exactly to his specifications, then guard them like valuables. Which they are. This is so sketchy it can only mean there’s cheating going on.

Not that I’m demanding to see Eli Manning’s phone over it, mind you. That would be unethical and overkill. I’m much more interested in seeing his personal communication over this other scandal. The one where he defrauded his fans by selling them brand new, out of the box helmets as game-worn, at a huge markup:

The plaintiffs’ attorneys also introduced the deposition of Giants president and CEO John Mara, taken in December, in which Mara said he wasn’t aware that there was any memorabilia controversy until the lawsuit was filed, even though the plaintiffs show that the Giants’ in-house counsel Bill Heller received a letter on the topic as early as 2011. …

“After over a year of discovery, and hiring their own expert, the Giants still haven’t shown that Eli Manning gave a single real helmet to Steiner Sports,” Brian C. Brook of Clinton Brook and Peed, an attorney for the plaintiffs, told ESPN.

Brook said Steiner Sports has another helmet, sold as a 2010 game-used helmet worn by Manning, that a customer returned in May of last year. Brook alleges the company has concealed the helmet from discovery.

Thanks to the fine lawyering done by Clinton Brook and Peed (I still can’t get over them putting “Peed” at the end), we know that on April 27, 2010, Joe Skiba sent an email to Manning’s AOL account (because of course he uses AOL) that said, “Let me know what your looking for I’ll try to get something down for you.” To which Eli replied “2 helmets that can pass as game used. That is it. Eli.”

Now does that constitute cheating? Yes. Cheating the public. Cheating the people who cherish and adore you. But is it cheating in the sense that using Walkie Talkies to send in signals after the helmet system is automatically shut off and the coaches get a look at the defense? Or like doing god-knows-what with the footballs? Not quite. But it’s just another log to throw on the fire of Eli Manning’s dishonest and dishonorable ways.

He’s the GOAT my ass. Let’s go, Rob Parker. Unblock me so we can have these discussions man to man. Besides, anyone with your FS1 ratings needs all the followers you can get.