St. Patrick's Day Collection | T-Shirts, Hoodies, Crewnecks, Hats, FlagsSHOP NOW

Bartolo Colon Is Living His Best Life In The Dominican Republic By Absolutely DOMINATING A Bunch Of Kids In Baseball

Now THAT is how you enjoy retired life. Fuck investing in businesses or living on the autograph circuit until your hand cramps from signing baseballs for grown men. Blowing Big League heaters and 2-seamers that move like they are in The Matrix past 12-year-olds is a better life than even traveling in The Show. I have wanted the Mets to bring Big Sexy back since he left us three years ago, which cannot be a coincidence that it was the last time the Mets made the postseason. However, I not longer feel that after seeing the joy in Bartolo’s soul as he racks up K’s on the young’ns while continuing to grow the legend of Big Sexy. In fact, I bet Bartolo is having more fun in retirement sitting on his pile of hard earned cash, starting new families, and striking out kids in his home country than even Andy and Red are spending the warden’s hard earned cash in Zihuatanejo.

This is how I imagine Tolo’s typical day goes:

8 AM: Wake up to what is almost definitely a warm sunny day and say good morning to his family in his mansion
9 AM: Eat breakfast
9:30 AM: Shower
10 AM: Eat 2nd breakfast
11 AM: Get dressed then say hello to 2nd family while walking to the baseball field (Yes, Tolo eats 2nd breakfast naked in my imagination, which is probably right if you think about it)
Noon: Dominate the fuck out of middle schoolers in a sport you were getting paid to play as a professional exactly one year ago
1 PM: Lunch
2-5 PM: Continue to obliterate the dreams of children by overwhelming them in the country’s national sport as they swing bats heavier than themselves
6 PM: Dinner and drinks
7 PM: Dancing
8 PM: 2nd Dinner
9 PM: Say goodnight to family
10 PM: Dessert
11 PM: Say goodnight to 2nd family and go to sleep

As a wise man once said, get busy living or get busy dying. And it’s clear that Big Sexy is busy living a life that Gods cannot even dream of. Keep doing your thing Big Sexy and we look to seeing you back in Queens whenever the Wilpons schedule a 2015 Mets Reunion to boost ticket sales during a future lost season.