Welcome back to the MMBM- Its the most important monday morning wrap-up column in the National Football League, and it is back for its 5th year. You might notice some changes in the format to better suit the state of the league and focus on the most relevent storylines. I am retiring the Darren Rovell Sports Business Sybian on account of PMTSportsBiz Jake who is covering this beat better then I could ever expect to. The Road Grader of the Week will be replaced by This Week In Fullbacks where I’ll keep you updated on the league leaders in fullback assissts along with other goings on at the most important positon in football. So without further ado- Here is the return of the Monday Morning Bowl Movement
Many many many injurys this week in the NFL perhaps none more devestating for me personaly, then Big Ben, who shockingly isnt the starting QB who came down with mono. If theres one thing this world dosent need its the QB whose literaly named after a clock to have all this time on his hands. It looks like he needs Tommy John surgery- the medical procedure named after the QB who preceeded him and the location of a place he has to check in with a probaton officer before entering.
From a 15 second google search I can confirm that the surgery will be the one where they take a ligament from another part of his body perferably his neck that has been toughened over the years of supporting his enormous gourd, and put it into your elbow. Its also fair to ask the queston of how Ben got hurt in the first place. I dont want to blame him but did you see what he was wearing? He has been showing alot of skin recently allmost like he wanted to get his arm hurt instead of wearing a compresson sleeve or cool megaman-type padding. Like Plaxico Burress literaly shooting himself in the foot we also have to explore the idea that this could be a off-the-field injury sustained from a repetitive high-use chronic habit that Big Ben has when it comes to the dark side of the internet if you know what I mean. Thats right Im talking about blocking people on twitter. Rothlisberger blocks literaly hundereds of thousands of people online, and the wear-and-tear assocated with clicking the block button that many times is enough to turn a mans ligaments into dog food.
Also- theres evidence I recently uncovered that he was hurt before the game even started:
Theres one thing I know we need for sure and thats Big Ben on the sidelines in some capacty this season. Give him a headset, it dosent even need to be plugged in- in facts its better if its not. I need to see him looking at his wrist and exhaling steam into a cold november night. Give him the hospital bed, dentist chair, conductor stand- the Hugh Freeze treatment all around. Footballs a better place when Bens around trying to fit into headgear three sizes to small, mumbling the intro to renegade that he still hasnt learned all the years from.
With everyone getting banged up sometimes you have to look for a guy with connectons to the hometown. A guy whose already familiar with which restaurants your supposed to pretend to like to ingratiate you with the locals. A guy whose name is synonyous with Pittsburgh and winning. A man who is well aware of all the quirks of Heinz field: Nathan Peterman.
Thats right- Mr Peterman has a catalogue of success from his years at Pitt that includes legendary moments like when he beat Clemson and the time he allmost beat Iowa. Winning in South Carolina and coming in second in Des Moines seems like a pretty great way to start off a Presdential Campaign if not a football career, and if he came in and treated Baltimore like shit he would forever become endeared to Steelers nation.
The upside to Peterman would be huge- it takes all the pressure off your wide receivers because even if he tried to throw you under the bus, Derwin James would just scoop you up and take you back for six.
Great Nate could be exactley what this team needs to get there act together. I would also be okay with a deal that sent Eli back to San Diego, and Philip Rivers to Pittsburgh, and Big Ben to the same farm upstate where dogs go at the end of there careers.
Onto the rest of the column
Aaron Rodgers/Matt LaFleur Relationship Thermomemer:
We will be keeping track of the looming impolosion between the mercurial signal-caller and his first year head coach using the latest in scientific advancements- memes.
This weeks rating: Lebron James yelling at JR Smith
LaFleur and Rodgers got off to a good start but then it looked kind of like Aaron ignore LaFleur going into halftime but the video qualty wasnt good enough to say for sure if Aaron was mad at him or if LaFleur was trying to play the circle game because there best friends and Aarons good at it and woudnt look. Its something to keep in mind but unfortunateley I cant say for certain that they were having a fight. Plus if Aaron is ignoring you that just means that your basically like family to him, so so far, so good in Green Bay
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. The Titans have a wide load thats not pulling over for anyone. King-sized Derek “Henry the Ate I am, Henry the Ate I am, I am” is a big boy no matter which way you measure him. Hes half fullback, half giant cow that stands in a field amongst other smaller speces of cows.
2. A report came out today from Robert Klemko in Sports Illustrated that advances a new theory that Antonio Brown might not be a awesome guy. Classic lamestream nothingburger report about how just because a guy supports the Patriots, has a weird haircut, stiffs contractors, buys portraits of himself at charty auctions, and is repeatedly accused of sexual assault the fake news media tries to tear him down. Meanwhile its crickets on the wherabouts of 10s of thousands of Annabell Bowlens missing emails from her grandchildren that never showed up in her inbox even though they swore they sent them.
3. Man of the people. Moral of the story: this is a man whose committed to his coach
How can you not love him. Hes flying Allegient which is basicaly the equivilant of if Spirit Airlines had a Linkedin profile. Never been more sure of anything in my life then the fact that Mark Davis is a “clap when the plane lands” guy who flies barefoot
4. Alot of consternaton on the timeline recently about the word “cracker” and its use by Antonio Brown in re: fwd:fwd: FWD: re: Obama attends Al CIAda graduation ceremony FWD: RE: Mike Mayock called a cracker. Theres a very simple way to discus this-
Theres a difference between crackers and white people.
Theres some shit going on with white people right now. Theres a civil war going on with white people, and theress two sides: there’s white people and there’s cr*ckers. The crackers have got to go. Every time white people wanna have a good time- whether its throwing there best friend through a table at a tailgate because theve always wanted to be on the internet, or listening to pop/hiphop mashups that came out 9 years ago while we drink light beers in someones house, ignorant-ass crackers fuck it up. Can’t do shit! Cant do shit without some ignorant-ass cracker fucking it up. Cant do nothing. Cant have a seceret military installation in the desert housing aliens for 60 years without some cracker trying to turn it into a concert venue! Grand opening, grand closing! Cant go to a movie the first week it comes out! Why? ‘Cause some cracker has allready written a devestating thinkpiece about it on a website that I root for. Crackers dont repsect gun-free zones. What kind of ignorant shit is that? “Hey, this is a good movie, this is so good I gotta bust a cap in here!” Cracker ass cracker.
Crackers allways are wanting credit for some things there suppposed to do. “Honey, I got us mezzanine tickets for John Cougar Mellencamp.” Of course you did, what you want, a pack of socks from costco? “Oh I take care of my lawn” no shit cracker. Your suppose to have a pair of grass stained new balances and sweatshorts from the year 1987. What you want, a nap? Fuckin cracker.
Fuck man! Im tired of this shit! You know what the worst thing about crackers? Crackers love to NOT know. Nothing make a cracker happier then not knowin the answer to your question.
Just ask a cracker a question. Any cracker! “Hey, Roger Goodell how come Ray Rice got supsended indefnitely , but OJ Simpson hasnt been?” “I don’t know that shit! Not a lawyer!” Hey cracker, did you sexualy assault this woman in college?” “I dont recall.” Crackers love to keep it real… Real dumb! Crackers love stealing. Shit. Cracker’s will straight up tank the economy & steal your retirement; you want to save your 401k from these crackers who are trying to steal it? Put it in your seasoning drawer. ‘Cause cracker’s dont cook. Just put the money right there in the Lawrys. Shit, cayenne pepper is like Kryptonite to a cracker. “Heres a dry rub!” “AAHHH! NO! NOT A crispy flavorfull skin! NO! NOOOO!”
They say its the fake news media thats making people scared of crackers. I’ll put it to you this way- when I go to a garlic festival in California, I’m not looking over my shoulder for the Chris Cillizza and Joy Ann Reid, i’m looking over my shoulder for crackers.
6. The Broncos Bears game looked like two guys in a boxing match who didnt have any arms. Flacco led a marvelous comeback and checkeddown his way into a late lead, but there was too much time on the clock for Mitchell who got the Bears into FG range as time expired. The refs called holding to much in this game like they were biased against bad players. If the league wants to fix its QB injury problem they should be doing more to protect them, like allowing offensive tackles to lasso Khalil Mack. Vic Fangios lap band utility belt will make its way up to his nipples by halloween.
7. The great Lorenzo Neal is nomnated for the HOF and we need to get him into the final round of selections. Cast your vote here early and often. This is what I wrote about him during my ranking of alltime fullbacks earlyer this summer:
Lorenzo Neal blocked for a 1000 yd rusher for 11 CONSECUTIVE SEASONS thats a stat that will never be broken probaby because no one keeps track of it officially- thats a fullbacks code. Sure he had LT behind him, but he was bLT in charge of blocking, brusing, beers, and being big. In retrospect Neal could of been as high as 2 on this list but his commitment to the principle of low-man winning made me drop him to number 5.
Fun Lorenzo Neal fact: Both him and Mike Alstott were on the same Bucaneers team during the 1998 season. There were no survivors
The best play of his career was his role in the Music City Miracle- he fielded the kickoff but then handed it back to Wycheck so he could go out there and block instead, which in turn took the Titans to the Superbowl, which in turn gave Jeff Fisher a 20 yr extension on his career. If it wasnt for Neal, we have no Jared Goff/Aaron Donald/Sean McVay tandem. We have no New Orleans screwjob because Fishers Rams would of put the game away in the first half, therefore we have no Sean Payton wearing a Goodell clown tshirt. The butterfly effect applied directly to fullbacks. Incredble.
Vote for Neal. #LoManWins
8. Kliff Kingsbury is to thin to be calling for field goals on 4th and goal to go situations. Sending your FG Unit out there from inside your opponets 5 yard line is a fat guy move reserved exclusively for fat guy coaches. Its the old football saying
“If you can see your dick, woe be unto you if you kick. If its your fupa that you see- go ahead and try for three.”
9. Is Sam Darnold not a good leader since no one else on his team has mono? I’m just saying what there talking about in barbershops across the country and for all of your cutterminds out there Im not suggesting that good leaders kiss there teamates on EVERY team, but at least you could be playing beer pong, or kissing the same girls they kissed so you guys can have something in common. Its called taking up interests with your buddys so you can get closer as a unit. Its why Percy Harvin and Golden Tate were able to win a Superbowl in Seattle.
By the way,if you think Gregg Williams dosent have a vial of Darnolds saliva hes putting in the Browns waterbottles u don’t know sports.
10. THIS WEEK IN FULLBACKS
Fullback assisst update- So far here are the leaders in FBAs:
1. Alec Ingold- Raiders: 2
1(tie). Kyle Jusczykchzyk- 49ers: 2
2(tie). James Develin, Patrick Ricard, Patrick DiMarco, Frank Gore (!), Darren Bates, Ryan Anderson: 1 each
Fullback assisst of the week goes to big nuts Frank Gore who is usualy more of a fullsack than a fullback as he clears the way for Joshua Allen to establish Buffalos football supremecy in New York. I am stepping in to declare this a assist despite the fact it was snapped from the 6 because I know for a fact that from a historical perpsective that if the fullback assisst leader comes down to a tie and Gore demands a recount he will lose:
Private First Class Swag Kellys weekly letter home:
We beat the fuckin Titans. It was sweet. There was a speaker on fire before the game even started but thats what happens when you pass your boy Swag the aux chord lmaooooooo. Fuck, its cool as shit though we have receivers named Paris and Hilton they should of shown there scoring players in night vision lol jk. I got in trouble again for stealing. I ganked a couple hot chicken breasts from Hattie Bs and shoved em down my pants like i was titty fucken them lol but they caught me. Now my junk burns more then usual. Fuck. I keep scheduing meetings with Jim Irsay and then usuing his bathroom so I can check the medicine cabnet but I think Ballards on to me. Hes a dick. Im bored. Traveling sucks I miss my xbox.