Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 2, Patriots vs. Dolphins

Things to consider while Tom Brady and Antonio Brown realize that the real championship, the one they’ve been after all along, is friendship:

–These are the best kinds of weeks for Bill Belichick. He’s got it all. He’s a man in full. Master of all he surveys. His team won by six touchdowns over a division rival on the road. He demonstrated to one of his apprentices “I taught you everything you know, but not everything I know.” And best of all, they did so without playing their best football. They made mistakes. Missed opportunities. Left points off the scoreboard. So he gets to spend the week going full Hackman in “Crimson Tide,” drilling the crew to do it better and faster until they’re operating at peak efficiency. This is the kind of week that make all those long days of practicing in the heat and the freezing cold, all those long nights of personnel meetings, and those mornings of having to field questions from laptop-wielding imbeciles, worth living.

–And personally, it’s my favorite kind of week too. Of all the bitching that goes on about this team, it’s never more fun then when the righteous indignation is all about running up the score and having Brady in the game with a huge lead. I cherish moments like these.

–Take for example, Belichick calling timeout to reset his defense while leading 43-0 with 0:10 left. I can almost guarantee you it was because he’d been preaching “playing 60 minutes of football” all week. Because a year ago at Miami, his team played 59:50 of football and it cost them the game. And could’ve cost them the season. You can clutch your pearls and get the vapors over how ruthless it was. But the message is loud and clear and heard by everyone in that locker room. No foot will be taken off the gas this year.

–Some fun numbers you can use to tweak the insufferable Giants fan in the next cubicle who’s still living off 2007 and ’11:
*This is the first time in franchise history the Patriots have given up 3 points or less in three consecutive games.
*Two games into the season, the best offense the Pats have faced is their own defense, which has outscored the opposition 12-3.
*Since the Rams were held to 3 points and zero trips to the red zone in the Super Bowl, they’ve scored 57 points.
*Brady now has 351 more career touchdowns than interceptions, the most ever. Tied for second on that list are Drew Brees and Peyton Manning, at +288.
*Brown is the 72nd player to catch a TD pass from Brady, breaking the previous record of 71, held by Brady.
*Since winning the overtime coin flip at Kansas City in the AFC championship game, the Pats have outscored their opponents 95-6.
*The Patriots are 4-0 and have outscored the opposition by 89 points since Mr. Kraft visited Orchids of Asia Day Spa.

–After one week of practice with a new team, in a new system, with a presumably new helmet, in the eye of a Category 5 turmoil storm, Antonio Brown was impressive. But a long way off from perfect. In teaching him this new language, they certainly didn’t keep things to “Hello,” “How are you?” and “Where is the bathroom?” They pretty much put him in the Honors class. He mostly lined up on the left of the formation at X-receiver. But he slid into the slot. Took a few snaps on the right at Z. He ran digs, crossers, Gos. A jet sweep, even. The touchdown was on a back shoulder fade while wearing the coverage like a poncho. He also drew a hold in the endzone to set up the score at the end of the first drive. And maybe my favorite route of his was when he ran off the corner and Brady hit him on a nice comeback. Anyway, it’s just nice to hear his name in the same sentence as “come” and “back” in a positive way for once.

–But there were misfires to be sure. There was that slant in the end zone where he didn’t get his head around on the ball in time. There was that one deep ball that landed in the end zone where it looked to me like a read concept where Brady was giving him the Care Bear Stare to break outside, to the pylon. But he was trying to turn in and fight through the defensive back’s inside leverage. Which is actually a positive thing because now it’s on tape. As Dr. Phil would say, it’s a teachable moment. And it came in a 43-point blowout. You can already see this early in the process that once Brown gets familiar with the offense, nothing short of an unsworn civil legal filing will stop this guy.

–JRR Tolkien used to write about the Norse archetype of the Kolbitur, literally translated as the “Coal Biter.” He was the one who was tasked with staying back in the village tending to the coal fires while the warriors considered more manly and worthy went off to battle. And in the legends the Coal Biter would end up doing something heroic that saves everyone from the Grendel or monster or whatever. He was the underdog who rose to the occasion. And on this Patriots offense, Phillip Dorsett is fast becoming the Coal Biter. That diving catch he made on 3rd & 17 where Brady threw a laser-guided missile right at the sticks is the kind of play he’s been making on the regular since about last December. As every defense focuses all their attention on Brown, Josh Gordon and Julian Edelman, Dorsett is going to do a lot of village saving monster slaying, I promise you.

–The defense. Holy moly, this defense. Yes, I know. It’s the Dolphins. Their 2019 marketing slogan is “Commitment to Getting the No. 1 Overall Pick.” I get it. But still. You don’t see NFL teams get disassembled, Lego brick by Lego brick like this every day. So you need to show some respect.

–Jerod Mayo had them in a base 3-4 for the most part, forced Miami into passing downs and then just kept sprinkling more and more defensive backs on the field like pizza toppings. They clogged the passing lanes and gave the rush time to collapse the pocket. It was beautiful to behold.

–Like most of the September games in Miami, they rotated personnel a ton. Even when the game was still close. In the secondary, Jason McCourty and Jonathan Jones took most of the snaps opposite Stephon Gilmore. Terrance Brooks split the “Robber” safety spot with Pat Chung. The 3-4 outside linebackers were Jamie Collins, Kyle Van Noy and Chase Winovich. And about five guys split the interior line duties: Michael Bennett, Byron Cowart, Danny Shelton, Adam Butler and Lawrence Guy. (Suggested CBS sitcom title: “Sheldon, Butler Guy.” Jim Parsons takes a job as the Gentleman’s Gentleman to an eccentric old tycoon who gets frustrated by all his nerd talk and hilarity ensues. Write that down.) I don’t think there was one who didn’t have an above average game, at least.

–Chief among them was Butler who played his best game to date, just obliterating an overmatched Daniel Kilgore early and often. He was often the only down lineman in the State Worker Defense (one guy working while the other 10 look like they’re standing around doing nothing), and had a sack out of that front on a 3rd & long. Winovich picked up his sack by stunting in behind Butler as he took on a double team. He drew a holding penalty that put the Dolphins in a hole. On a 3rd & 4 he pushed Kilgore back to knock down a pass. And just generally disrupted the entire middle of the Miami line. He’s an undrafted guy doing what I’d hoped Dominique Easley would do when they took him in the 1st Round.

–And yet, his sneaky best play was on the Gilmore Pick-6 when he read Ryan Fitzpatrick’s rollout and spied him, but then actually dropped into coverage. Gilmore timed it perfectly, but if he took the ball away from anyone, it was from Butler, who was primed for the INT.

–It’s just good to see that after all this time, Fitzpatrick still throws one of the nicest, most catchable interceptions in the league.

–I’ll give Shelton credit too. At least a couple of sacks were created by interior pressure from him, including Bennett’s and the one by the Dread Captain Roberts (who finally saw defensive snaps after only appearing on Special Teams in Week 1). And it was Shelton shooting the A-gap that created the most unintentionally funny moment of the day, when Fitzpatrick checked down to Kalen Ballage, who ducked. Ducked like it was an 0-2 pitch at his head, not a pass he was expected to, y’know, catch. I mean, was he surprised by it? Like was he thinking, “I’ll just run this route and … WHAT THE?? HEY LOOK OUT!!!”? That was one of the most Dolphin moments since their holder took the snap right in his facemask.

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–When Eric Rowe broke up that pass for Brown in the end zone I was thinking, “Where’s the Eric Rowe we saw in the Super Bowl against the Eagles?” Then he started picking up DPIs and holds and completions in coverage on Edelman and I said, “Ah, there he is. Welcome back, old friend.”

–[Envelope to forehead] “Jamie Collins, Pat Chung, Aliens, Wrath of Kahn.”
[Tears open. Pulls out card.]
“Name four sequels better than the original.”

–Pressure from Collins is what forced the desperation heave that Gilmore skied to block to Devin McCourty like Kevin McHale blocking a shot to Danny Ainge to start a fast break. In July, I wouldn’t have put money on him even making the roster. But through two games he’s probably been their most productive linebacker.

–Going into yesterday, if you asked a 100 Patriots fans who Marshall Newhouse and Korey Cunningham are, 95 of them would’ve guessed they’re the hosts of an NPR podcast before they said they’re the backup tackles. And sure, there were a couple of times when the pocket was crushed like a Solo cup. But overall they held up alright. This is just further proof that you could give Dante Scarnecchia five randomly selected “Price is Right” audience members and he’ll turn them into a competent NFL offensive line.

–Still, there’s legit reason to worry that Isaiah Wynn won’t be back. A Patriots player could have his severed leg packed in ice and loaded onto a medevac chopper next to him for emergency reattachment surgery and they’ll list him as “Questionable to return: Lower body.” They wasted no time declaring Wynn as “Out.” I hope I’m wrong. He was really coming on. That first touchdown by Sony Michel was run right behind Wynn, who had driven No. 92 (who wasn’t on any roster I could find) into the turf. It’d be a damned shame if he’d have to miss the first two seasons of a promising career.

–Scarnecchia’s finest work was on that screen pass touchdown to James White. Just to coordinate all those new bodies to the point he had Ted Karras, James Ferentz and Shaq Mason (along with Dorsett) forming a perfect wall must take a ton of time and effort. Granted, they had no one to block. I think the Dolphins were caught in a zero blitz (TV never showed us the whole field so I’m guessing). And White could’ve gotten on his belly and did The Worm all the way across the goal line. But still that’s an impressive piece of coaching given all the O-line roster turnover the past two weeks.

–Though for next game, I’d make sure the linemen are all wearing “Hello My Name is ___” stickers.

–Opposing defenses have to know what they’re up against when Brady has such God Mode mastery over this system that he’ll motion Rex Burkhead out of the backfield and try audibling with, “Safari! Safari! Red!” before finally just saying “to hell with it” and yelling for Burkhead to “Get in the middle” of a 3-receiver set. Because he knew once they came to the line Miami was in man with Jerome Baker in solo coverage on Burkehead. And the result was the biggest gain of the day. How do you stop that?

–I’m still on Team Gostkowski. If you’re not with him when he’s missing a field goal and two extra points in Week 2, you don’t deserve him when Brady’s telling the coaches to let him win the Super Bowl with a kick instead of going for a 4th & inches.

–Though a buddy of mine made a good point. With Gostkowski, you’re starting to get that same feeling you used to have with Craig Kimbrel. The statistics say you should be confident. But every time he comes out you’re expecting the worst.

–That said, I think Adam Vinatieri is missing kicks in Indy on purpose because social media consultants told him that’s the fastest way to get released so he can come back to New England. Just my theory. I have no proof.

–So far the Pass Interference Replay Rule hasn’t ruined pro football. Even when the calls go against the Patriots. What is ruining football is Gene Skeletor‘s unnecessarily longwinded explanations of said rule. Jeezus, fella. It’s interference or it isn’t. You don’t get paid by the word. Cut the string, Chatty Cathy.

–How is it that the NFL can play a fake football game on an 80 yard field because the Field Turf in Canada had a flaw in the end zone. But they can play a regular season game at Hard Shark Robbie Land Player Pro Life Park with massive, “Gladiator” coliseum-like trap doors of sod in the middle of the field? Underneath the most precious knee ligaments in the world? I’d rather have chained tigers coming out of there than lose a guy for the season to bad landscaping.

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–I didn’t think it possible, but Dan Fouts is getting worse by the quarter. Seeing the ghosts of phantom push offs on Patriots touchdowns. Accusing John Simon of cheap-shotting Josh Rosen “way out of bounds” when he was clearly at the boundary, going to the ground himself and avoiding contact. Spewing weirdness like “… and Rosen paid the ultimate sacrifice.” Right. Deserving of a hero’s burial for laying so costly a sacrifice on the alter of freedom, as he missed one play. Just to finish a member of the Pats Three Ring Club’s street joke:

… So the bartender says, “What’ll you fellas have?” And all three of them order the wrong thing.

–There’s a dynamic now where Fouts is objectively bad, so he gets the worst games. The Patriots are in a lot of blowouts against lesser opponents, so Fouts does more and more of their games. He hates doing their games, so he does them poorly. Thus creating a vicious cycle where he’ll end up doing more of their games. It’s Ourboros, a snake eating its own tail. Except that snake would know Offensive Pass Interference when it sees it.

–This Week’s Applicable Movie Quote: “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. ” – The Emperor, “Return of the Jedi”

–You don’t get a shutout in this league without a couple of breaks. I believe the Pats were in single high safety coverage when both Jackson and Gilmore got beaten deep on the same set of downs, only to have Jakeem Grant let the ball bounce off his nose and Preston Williams let one fly between his palms. Those are the kinds of plays that will launch FBI investigations once sports betting is legal everywhere. But for now the Dolphins are just so aggressively and intentionally terrible I think they’re just part of the organizational plan. I just hope Brian Flores survives long enough to benefit from the awfulness.

–The only downside of all this is so far is there is one rookie I really wanted to see and he barely gets to play. But when you’re biggest gripe is you’re not getting enough looks at the punter, that’s a Champagne Problem.

–So they just had one of the highest spreads in history for a road team. At a stadium that is a haunted house for them. Where Brady now has two more career wins than he has Super Bowl rings. And they more than doubled the spread. Next they face the Jets, minus Sam Darnold, at home. Has there ever been a triple digit point spread before?