Which NFL Team Has The Ugliest Fanbase?
I was watching some NFL games on Sunday and couldn't help but notice that the fans in attendance, for the most part, were some degree of unpleasant looking. In fact, a vast of majority of them were downright disgusting. This observation had me asking myself questions like "Which NFL team has the ugliest fanbase?" and "Am I going to use this insignificant premise as an excuse to write another lengthy "geographical roast" listicle disguised as a sports blog? I do realize that I'm not the person who should be judging and criticizing the physical appearance of others, but that's exactly what I'm going to be doing here. And yes, I'll be ignorantly perpetuating stereotypes and letting personal biases affect the results of this list. With that out of the way, here's my rankings of all 32 NFL fanbases from least ugly to most ugly.
All map photos from SeatGeek
32. Arizona Cardinals
I don't think I've ever met or interacted with an Arizona Cardinals fan. I also rarely meet or interact with extremely hot people. You do the math.
31. Miami Dolphins
Led by a captivating core of Jennifer Lopez, The Rock, Pitbull, Fergie, Brandon Walker, Frank Fleming, and Generic Instagram Models, it's hard to dispute the hotness of South Florida and the Dolphins' genetically/surgically superior fans.
30. Los Angeles Chargers
It took a lot of willpower to not let one Long Island rodent (Kenjac) impact my ranking of a fanbase of Southern Californians. Although, I'm not entirely sure if Southern Californians even remotely give a fuck about the Chargers.
29. Los Angeles Rams
The St. Louis subhumans who stupidly retained their allegiance to the Rams (solely so they didn't have to throw out 80% of their wardrobe) are the only thing stopping this "fanbase" from being number one.
28. San Francisco 49ers
People in San Francisco are willing to pay $5K a month to live in a one bedroom ferret cage. Their budget doesn't even allow them to do things like "eat meals" so at least they're probably skinny.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This is not my personal opinion. It's data.
26. Carolina Panthers
Unfortunately, I've reached my compliment quota for a single blog so I can't say anything nice about Panthers fans.
25. Tennessee Titans
Don't care.
24. Denver Broncos
Don't care.
23. Houston Texans
Houston, we have a problem. It's Texans fans. They're astronomically ugly!
22. Seattle Seahawks
I'm seeing that "Seahawks Country" (or whatever those losers call it) includes the state of Idaho, which automatically dilutes the fanbase's average hotness by 2.5 standard deviations. Maybe if they exercised more instead of refusing to even run for one yard, Seahawks fans would be attractive enough to get a ring.
21. Atlanta Falcons
Apologies to the decent looking people of Atlanta, but when your fanbase (the region in red) is stuck with the state of Alabama, what do you expect me to do? My cousin?
20. Washington Redskins
It blows my mind that people pay real American currency for tickets to Redskins games. If I wanted to be surrounded by miserable varmints in the DMV for 4 hours, I'd go to Moundsville, West Virginia to get my expired drivers license renewed.
19. New Orleans Saints
New Orleans might have a semi decent amount of sex appeal (they might not though too), but having a large chunk of your fanbase in Mississippi does wonders for your ugliness ranking. Who Dat? More like "Ew, Fat."
18. Chicago Bears
The Chicago area is like an attractiveness purgatory. That might've been an unintentional compliment. "Bear down" is when a fat and hairy Chicago fan (redundant) makes his wife get on top during unfulfilling sex because he has no energy after watching the Bears blow a game at the last second.
17. Baltimore Ravens
What a repugnant city. Ravens fans are the type of people who put Old Bay on their crabs. Let me rephrase that. Ravens fans season their pubic lice with Old Bay before their partner goes down on them. If they could afford to eat crab legs, I'm sure they'd put it on those too.
16. Jacksonville Jaguars
Do the Jaguars have enough "fans" to even numerically qualify as a fanbase? I honestly don't know. Nor do I care about them enough to speculate about the way they look. They're the Wyoming or Delaware of NFL teams.
15. Indianapolis Colts
I've never been to a Colts game, but if the attendance of the Indy 500 is even remotely indicative of the physical appearance of their fans, then no wonder they have players retiring in their twenties. And ball boys fleeing the city.
14. New England Patriots
Patriots fans have this weird superiority complex where they think they're better than others, as if they, themselves, won the Super Bowl. In reality, they look like Larry Bird bobbleheads, and the most athletic thing they've done in years is speed walk home from their heroin dealer's apartment just in time for The Departed to come on AMC. Go call someone a "squid" on an online message board while your underage girlfriend flirts with the varsity quarterback in her remedial algebra class, you losers.
13. Dallas Cowboys
I'm not saying that Texas is an ugly place by any standards. I mean, I'm sure it is, but the fanbase of "America's Team" is equally spread out amongst the entire country. And Americans, on average, are fucking disgusting. Go to the soda aisle of a K-Mart in any of the 50 states and you're bound to see at least one misshapen scumbag in an ill-fitting Cowboys jersey with a wife beater underneath.
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12. New York Giants
With a fanbase encompassing areas of the U.S. commonly nicknamed after the most rancid parts of the human body, as well as interchangeable synonyms of "garbage," I don't think I need to spell out the ugliness of the average Giants fan.
11. New York Jets
A slightly filthier/poorer version of Giants fans. Imagine facing rejection so often that you still have wet dreams about '69.
10. Detroit Lions
Am I basing this judgment solely on the few stereotypes I know about the Detroit area? Absolutely. Maybe if people in Flint could shower or bathe then the Lions wouldn't be so high on this list.
9. Oakland Raiders
The Raiders fanbase is like a species of mysterious, untamed creatures from a different dimension that only exists on Sundays during football season. Also, they're extraordinarily ugly.
8. Cincinnati Bengals
Bengals fans are about as aesthetically pleasing and photogenic as you'd expect a group of people whose lives revolve around fast food chili and failure to be. Throw them in hideous bright orange clothing and you got yourself a top 10 ugly fanbase. Oh, you painted tiger stripes on your face and did a choreographed chant every time the Bengals got a first down? You're 43? Awesome!
7. Cleveland Browns
The repulsive color scheme of orange and brown probably shouldn't have been assigned to a group of people who's already visually disturbing to begin with. That's like when Akron ended up with the Ebola virus.
6. Minnesota Vikings
Yiiiiikes. Having both of the Dakotas representing your fanbase is a TOUGH look. Literally. Imagine rating the hotness of people at a Vikings game. It would sound like you're reciting a binary code. Like Minnesota fans desperately praying for a field goal on every drive, scoring a 3 when traveling through this region would be considered a huge win.
5. Philadelphia Eagles
The average Philly fan has the IQ of a fictional boxer statue, the usefulness of a broken bell, the worth of a 4-inch Wawa junior hoagie, the hygiene of a 17th century quaker, the hairline of a bald eagle, the toxicity of the Schuylkill River, the charm of Downtown Camden, the sensitivity of Ben Franklin's key and the stench of the inside of his coffin.
4. Kansas City Chiefs
Oh brother. Take a look at the unfortunate locations that the Chiefs' fanbase is working with. The average person from Missouri is shaped like the state of Missouri. Iowans are the personification of a deep fried butter stand at a county fair. Kansans have the physical appeal of an (obligatory) oversized ball of twine.
Side note: According to data, this area has significantly more hogs and pigs than any other region of the U.S.
They're also home to lots of animals in the swine family.
3. Green Bay Packers
When the predominant staples of your diet are cheap alcohol and cheese curds, it's hard to not be lacking in the looks department. Lifestyle habits aside, it's not like people from Wisconsin have a choice to not be ugly and disgusting. Like the average Packers fan who only owns one dirty pair of Wranglers, they can't just change their genes.
2. Buffalo Bills
What the gritty members of "Bills Mafia" lack in success, education, wealth, happiness, kindness, employment, decision-making skills, and brain cells, they make up for by being far one of the grossest contingents of living humans in the country.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
Spilling into the infected hills and hollers of West Virginia (my homeland), the deteriorated depression holes of Eastern Ohio, and the polluted wastelands and coal towns of Western/Central Pennsylvania, "Steeler Nation" perfectly embodies the word ugly and all of its synonyms. Every towel is a "terrible towel" when it makes contact with the infected skin of those cretins. Go to any chain restaurant in Myrtle Beach and you'll see at least three dads in Steelers apparel threatening to beat their child and/or wife.
Okay, now that I got my completely harmless and lighthearted opinions out of the way, what does everyone else think? Sound off in the comments/replies.
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