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"Ask Anna" Of The Trib Just Gave The Single Worst Dating Advice Of All-Time

(Chicago Tribune)

What is the most important thing a man should have in order to attract a woman? — Struggling

Dear Struggling,

My answer is vulnerability. That is, the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and desires, even if it scares you to do so (especially if it scares you). Show your humanness. Your flaws. Your dark spots and darker edges. Your genuine self. What vulnerability communicates is, “This is who I am and I’m not going to pretend to be otherwise for anyone’s approval.” This is another way of showing confidence (that other, well-known marker of attractiveness). The “trick” of vulnerability is you have to mean it. If you’re telling vulnerable stories about your childhood trauma in order to get a woman to sleep with you, it’s going to backfire. (Also, it’s manipulative.)

Other answers from women I crowdsourced included: A sense of humor. The ability to listen. Having respect for women in general. Warmth. Money. Progressive politics. Ninja skills. A feeling of safety. Carries his own condoms. Smell good. Honesty. Healthy coping mechanisms. Have a cat. Or two.

I love this woman, Anna. Absolutely love her. You know why? Because she is allegedly some kind of advice-giving professional when it comes to dating and relationships and she doesn’t know DICK about dating. Meaning that she is just like the rest of us. In fact, she’s worse because she has some guy so desperate and pathetic that he’s writing into a god damn newspaper for help. IN 2019! And her advice…walk up to a stranger you’re interested in and tell her “Hi, I’m so desperate for a date that I recently wrote into the Chicago Tribune seeking help. Ask Anna told me to be vulnerable. I’m pathetic. I’m lonely. And I recently purchased two cats”. Anna…that ain’t gonna go well. That’s a fast track to rejection. Can’t even get a handjob with advice like that.

I am going to give real advice here for a second. Advice for “Struggling” who writes into the Trib.

Hey Struggling, just become competent. Get your life in order. You want to know why chicks always seem to go for muscians even though they’re in a cover band playing at a bar making zero dollars and working as a starbucks barista or a “fitness instructor” to pay their bills? Because they’re competent. They can play an instrument well and it’s apparent. Also because girls can be bad at math and they can’t calculate the odds that their boyfriend will NEVER make it as a musician. Now, I am not particularly competent, but I’ve been observing the world for 33 years now and competence or perceived competence is the #1 key to getting a girl to touch your dick. It doesn’t even matter what you’re competent in. It could be video games. If you’re a top video game twitch personality you can convince a nice girl to marry you. And that’s not a knock on Smitty. It’s a compliment. You’d think telling a girl you play video games all day would be a turnoff. WRONG. Do it better than 99.9% of the population and poof, you’re competent and attractive.

Also, don’t get a fucking cat. What an idiot. Girls don’t like men with cats even if they love cats. That’s a scientific fact. Get a dog. And if you’re lucky, get a dog as cute as George.

george one