St. Patrick's Day Collection | T-Shirts, Hoodies, Crewnecks, Hats, FlagsSHOP NOW

The Largest Starbucks In The World Looks Pretty Fucking Stupid

E6ZOIJH4MVFWHC75VYXUEWIUWI

Chicago Tribune – The highly anticipated Starbucks Reserve Roastery Chicago is scheduled to open Nov. 15 on the Magnificent Mile, marking the last and largest of the chain’s grand coffee palaces.

The Chicago roastery will open at 10 a.m. that day in a glassy 43,000-square-foot space formerly occupied by Crate & Barrel, at the corner of North Michigan Avenue and Erie Street.

The four-story emporium will employ 200 people and include on-site roasting of its rare Reserve beans, interactive tours, exclusive drinks “inspired by the culture and traditions of Chicago” and a full kitchen for making desserts, breads, pizzas and salads from Italian bakery Princi, Chief Operating Officer Roz Brewer said.

Pumpkin Spice season is here so get ready for some Starbucks content. I can’t help it and it’s not my fault this shit is running stale. Blame your shitty take on somebody else. I’m just here to let you know the Starbucks corporate folks put their brains together and decided that the best spot for their most glorious space yet is dead balls in the middle of Michigan Avenue.

Let’s take a quick inventory on how us Chicagoans treat our Starbucks on Michigan Avenue

Right on. Let’s take the same concept just a half mile north and then 20x the size. Sounds like we’re the exact place to thrive off such a preposterous concept. I mean seriously look at this fucking thing one more time for me heyhowyadoin

E6ZOIJH4MVFWHC75VYXUEWIUWIWhat does Starbucks Reserve even mean? Like how fancy does fancy coffee need to be before everyones like You Know What I’m Fancied Out. COLOMBIAN FUCKING RESERVE MY ASS. I can’t deal with this kind of urban planning news while the Cubs and Bears are embarrassing the shit out of me. I can’t have every coffee drinker world wide laughing at Matt Nagy’s play calling and Joe Maddon’s lineup cards. Now is not the time for the spotlight. It’s time for the drawing board and holy fuck do we need it in this city.

As for 4 levels of a Starbucks in the middle of our tourist/shopping district, well that’s just a disaster in the making. No one needs that much space when robots are coming for that ass. Like your baristas are on the endangered species list and you just gave them 43,000 square feet to die in – slowly – while everyone watches through the objectively aesthetically pleasing pane glass windows.

In the meantime Barstool Sports 10th largest digital brand in the history of digitizing brands has me in a 600 square foot prison cell of an office where it’s very clear you don’t drink tap water. That’s my life right now. My team sucks and I think we’re getting dysentery.

3a1d4c