Barstool Power Rankings - Football is Back
ATTN: FROM THE DESK OF THE ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR OF THE STOOL SCENES
Don’t call it a streak, but if you are reading this than it means I managed to post the award winning, grammatically inconsistent, culturally in-significant, Barstool Power Rankings™️ - two weeks in a row. And while I write this opening paragraph I can’t help but wonder if I will be able to sleep after seeing this
As always it was an eventful week here at Barstool sPoRtS. We had cocaine rumors, some heinous gambling picks, more Jonas Brothers, thick Chicago accents, and Tommy blending the gender spectrum. So let’s get into this so I can start drive to my brothers wedding in the Cape before Hurricane Dorian catches up to me.
#4.) Jonas Bros. Groupies
Ria and Fran have to have set some kind of record for the amount of Jonas Brothers concerts they have attended in 2019. Maybe - just maybe, there is one loosely psychotic girl in the middle of Kansas, who has a shrine around a used Joe Jonas water bottle, that could challenge them. But Ria and Fran simply have too many resources at their disposal. Kansas girl has to save up for two months and hope the Jonas Brothers do a charity show at her local Church. That's pedestrian shit. Ria and Fran just snap their fingers and they are front row yet again before Kansas girl even knows what hit her. Anyways I'm rambling - bottom line is that of all the people circling the Jonas Brothers, Trent might be the only one who could end up penetrating their circle.
Jokes aside, it seems that it is only a matter of time before the Jonas Bros. come to the office. I mean they are photo bombing each other for God's sake.
#3.) The Bears STINK:
The Chicago boys came into the office this week for the Bears Thursday Night Football game and it's safe to say that it was depressing to see such jolly fellows so sad.
The Chicago guys remind me of a group of friends that had one sleepover when they were 8, that just never ended. White sox Dave is the over aggressive friend who still says slug bug. Chief is the level headed one who, if he ever snapped would probably end lives. I feel like Carl is the friend who exposed everyone to pornography for the first time (crucial role). And then there is Eddie, who is still nice to his parents and looks like the kind of guy that would win the power-ball.
But regardless of their chemistry - they were all collectively destroyed by the Bears Thursday night football performance.
It would only get worse for Eddie.
To lift the vibes back up: Here's a clip of a guy with the thickest Chicago accent on the face of the earth, doing his bit to save an animal.
#2.) Cokegate:
Early Tuesday morning a rather disturbing clip of my boss, and YOUR president, began circulating the internet. In this clip, guests of Dave's home appear to be skiing the immaculate slopes of Nantucket.
However, the drug use is a red herring as the only real crime being committed is how bad Dave's body looks in that shirt. V-necks that deep haven't been seen in public since 2008 and though it is not literally against the law to look that mediocre, it is certainly frowned upon in the mogul community.
Here is how the drama unfolded.
"Control the story before it controls you."
-Michael Scott
-Dave Porntoy
Such wisdom seems to be reserved to the brains of business titans. Maybe that is why they are them and we are us. Good news is, I am glad that Dave got ahead of this. I can handle a boss who has done cocaine, everyone does who lives in Manhattan. But a boss who rocks deep V's? That won't stand.
#1.) Call Him Mommy:
Last week Tommy's reputation was Hari-Kari'd by the Daddy girls and even I was looking at him like a dead man walking. But as he said last week, he had something up his sleeve and sure enough that social misfit delivered.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xaCzLrOLDQ&t=115s
Watching that video is sure to eliminate any erections within a 9 mile radius, but Tommy delivered a worthy response and all I can do is tip my cap and marvel at the messages he was receiving.
And once he was off and running you better get off the tracks because Tommy Mommy was taking no prisoners.
That is all I have folks. Have a good weekend and steer clear of cocaine and deep V's - but mostly deep V's.