ATTN FROM THE DESK OF THE ASSISTANT TO THE DIRECTOR OF STOOL SCENES
After a brief hiatus the power rankings that you probably forgot about, have officially returned. The reason for this hiatus you may ask? Well it may come as a surprise, but being a human tripod for Stool Scenes makes for an unpredictable work schedule. If Dave so much as sneezes, I leap to my feet. If Big Cat farts, my pupils dilate. If Carrabis speaks in the third person, I die a little, but I also press record. So since I am on Barstool’s version of the Nights Watch, it can be difficult to find time to construct a literary masterpiece such as this. Also, it’s no secret that things slow down here during the summer. But now that things are picking up again I figured it’s time to get back into some arbitrary rankings. So now that I have given you my excuses, let’s get into this week.
It was an eventful 5 days here at HQ. The Daddy girls did their best to castrate Tommy, Dave hit the Milli-Milli mark, and our beloved OMB is leaving us. In fact, we even have footage from the company happy hour this week of the emotional goodbye.
More on Brett later. Let’s get into the rankings.
#5.) Coldest Take of the Week: Willie & Gay Pat on Billie Eilish
Willie and Gay Pat decided to state their feelings on Billie Eilish this week by calling her a middle school goth who shops at hot topic. Unfortunately, I don’t think they realized that despite looking like a 26 year old goth version of Scarlett Johansson, Billie Eilish is actually 17 years old so she probably does shop at Hot Topic after she gets out of daycare.
Now I understand that Billie Eilish dressing like a mortal kombat character may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But there’s a reason her songs dominate the charts. And that’s because she’s an industry plant who could autotune a fart, and still have a number one hit. But despite all that, I like Billie Eilish. I like her music, I like that she just does whatever she wants and we just say “ok”, and I especially like the fact that she dresses like a rich and evil spider.
#4.) Ria & Jay-Z
Last night Ria and Fran went to their 43rd Jonas Brothers concert in 2 months. But the biggest moment of the night wasn’t from the Jonas Brothers, but from Jay-Z staring directly through Ria’s phone.
Now I know what a lot of people will say. “Jay-Z is just leaning in to hear what this soon to be executed mistress had to say to him” But that’s just a front. What’s really going on is he is thinking nine steps ahead. Just hear me out. While he’s listening to the mistress, he’s looking at Ria, which then makes us thinks he’s into Ria, which then gets me to write a blog about it, which then fuels a rumor that Jay-Z is unfaithful, which then gives Beyonce ammo for a new album, which leads to more millions for both of them, which will then allow Jay-Z to buy all of the NFL, which then will allow Kaepernick to finally get a job. It’s so clearly a master plan. How do you guys not see this?
#3.) Goodbye Office Manager Brett
It has been a sad week as we say goodbye to OMB. The majority of his influence occurred before I got here, but the emotion of his departure in the office is palpable.
One thing we do no for sure is that the hard Seltzers and light beers of Austin Texas will soon be ruthlessly colonized by the infamous “Drinking Buddy Brett”
All you can do is cry and wave as that beautiful hair goes off into the sunset. Goodbye and best of luck to Brett.
#2.) The Castration of Tommy Smokes
The saga of Tommy trying to get the Daddy girls to give him a makeover has been a long hard fought journey. At first it seemed like a fun game of cat and mouse, where Tommy would pop his heading one of their recordings – interrupt a discussion about how to properly spit in your partners mouth – and they would playfully play the game of hard to get.
But now it seems the cats really don’t to want play with the mouse anymore. They are physically offended by its very existence, and want nothing more than to rip its guts out and hurl its corpse off of a cliff.
Credit to Tommy for hopelessly fighting for his pride against impossible odds. The statement he released was way too long for me to read but I know he’s not rattled.
#1.) A Milli
This week, our fearless leader reached the pinnacle of social currency by achieving a million follows on both Instagram and Twitter.
Big Cat did his damndest to try and trip Dave up at the finish line but once you get AOC and Donald JR. in the mix there’s no stopping that train.
Such honor, such integrity. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though as Spider got taken to the woodshed by the very baboons he bought.
That’s all I have folks, have a splendid weekend, and be sure to thank your local union leaders for the day off.