Dave Portnoy Reporting Live From the Eye of the Storm - Barstool College Football Show Week 5WATCH NOW

Matthew McConaughey Better Be A Mole Bringing Down Bruce Allen And Dan Snyder From The Inside

I shouted “DO IT MATTHEW! DO IT!!!” at this photo for 15 straight minutes. I tried to inception him to kill Bruce and Dan right there, but unfortunately it didn’t work. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize that he’s our guy. He’s our mole. He is in so good with Snyder and Allen that if we want to end this reign of horror, we need Matthew McConaughey to do the deed. And he’s such a lovable man I can’t see any judge nor jury convicting him. He slipped. Shame. Oh well, guess these clowns won’t be ruining my life anymore:

And you can still be friends with Derrius Guice. Everyone wins.

Save us Matthew, you’re our only hope.

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*Disclaimer- satire.

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*wink*