How Much Would It Cost You To Go To Prison For 1 Year?

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A woman who spent 35 years in prison for a murder she didn’t commit will get $3 million in a partial settlement of a federal civil rights lawsuit, her lawyer said Wednesday.

Cathy Woods, 68, will continue to seek additional damages from the city of Reno and former detectives she accuses of coercing a fabricated confession from her while she was a patient at a Louisiana mental hospital in 1979, according to her lawyer, Elizabeth Wang.

Woods was released from prison in 2015 when new evidence linked the 1976 killing of a Reno college student to an Oregon inmate, Rodney Halbower, who has since has been convicted of two San Francisco Bay Area slayings that happened during the same period. The DNA was taken from a cigarette butt found at the scene.

Woods, who now lives with relatives near the city of Anacortes, Washington, was the longest-ever wrongfully incarcerated woman in U.S. history, according to the National Registry of Exonerations.

I saw this headline this morning and was all like “yeah, I’d prolly go to prison for 35 years for $3MM.  Not like I do anything anyways.”

And when I say I don’t do anything anyways I’m not really lying.  I live alone in a 350 square foot apartment and here is my pedometer from yesterday:

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And it’s only at 900 steps because I had to run down the street to load up on grizzly wintergreen last night.  In fact I don’t even think I opened my mouth and spoke out loud other than saying “one can of grizz wintergreen long cut please.”

I really do hate myself.  Nevertheless when I saw the $3mm I was like yeah sure I’d do that.  Easy peasy.

Then I started crunching numbers and simple math here shows our home girl Cathy here cleared about $85,700 a year to go to prison.  Yeah, fuck that.  I’m all about the big pay day, though I can’t say I’ve really had one myself, but $85K isn’t shit really and 35 years is obviously way too fucking long.

So what’s the barometer to go to prison for 1 year set at?  Obviously 35 years is basically an entire lifetime so let’s say 1 year to make this hypothetical somewhat reasonable.

First let’s talk about the dude in Breaking Bad who let’s people pay him to go to Prison for him as a reference:

He did it for $30K.  $30K!!!  Uhhhh yeah, no.  Yeah, he’s not a good baseline.  Wouldn’t even wipe out my student loans.  I don’t care how much this guy loved being in prison, he sucks at economics.  Supply and demand bub.  Don’t you realize that people love staying out of prison as much as you love being in prison you fucking idiot?  You’re the only person on the streets who will go to prison.  Charge them some sky high rate and get paid you asshole.  Econ101

ANYWAYS – A better baseline for me would be these Canadian dudes I saw on TV a few years back.  Now I can’t find a goddamn thing about them on the internet right now, but a few years back I was watching some TV show with my dad where these Canadian 20 something year olds figured out the perfect way to counterfeit Canadian money.  They lived like KINGS for like 2 years or something.  I’m talking stretch limos, girls, bubbly, clubs, casinos, high rolling.  They were counterfeiting so much of this money that they were fucking with Canadian inflation rates and Canada couldn’t figure out wtf was going on.

Eventually they did get caught though and after living the high life for a good amount of time, they got like 4 years a pop, nothing crazy.  Probably didn’t serve full time either.  And I’m guessing they didn’t get “high security, pound me in the ass” prison either, they were probably in some white collar financial crime prison where they could play Halo and COD and shit.  That’s a cake walk.  Basically a vacation.

I think I could do it for $5MM.  1 year, in and out.  Not pound me in the ass prison though.  I’d require white collar prison.  I need the internet and TV and couches and shit.  Love me some laying around. Basically a replica of my shitty apartment I have now.