New installment I’m going to feature periodically here on Barstool New York. Its called “Lessons For My Unborn Son I’ll Never Have Because I’ll Be Cursed With Daughters.” Kinda rolls off the tongue nicely, no? Now the reality of the matter is I’ve built up enough bad karma to last several lifetimes. In return, God has cursed me with the Mets and Jets and inevitably some day down the road, I’m gonna end up with like 4 fucking daughters. I’m gonna be that poor son of a bitch dealing with his wife and a 18 year old, 16 year old, 12 year old and 10 year old daughter.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t dream. Churn out a little KFC to carry on the family name and the tradition of being a lazy idiot who spends his whole life cutting corners. A little over a year ago I wrote about about advice to give to your son and it was one of the most memorable blogs I’ve written. So I figured we’ll turn it into a regular feature. And today, given this is the kickoff weekend of college football, todays first piece of advice for my unborn son I’ll never have:
Go to a college with a big time college football program.
Now I know there’s a lot of shit thats gonna happen between the ages of 0 and 18 that we’ll need to cover first, but this is quite literally the most important piece of advice I can ever give. Hands down the biggest regret of my life is not going to a school with big time athletics. Its something that absolutely cannot be replicated. Saturdays for me at Fordham meant sleeping in till about 3pm until it was a reasonable hour to start drinking again because there was literally nothing worth waking up for. Saturdays now mean I might, maybe throw on some college football now and have it on in the background, but I really don’t give a shit. The parties will be better, your weekends infinitely funner. You’ll actually take pride in your school. You’ll actually wanna go back after you graduate. You’ll seek out the bar in your city that reps your school and get shitfaced with all the people that went to your alma mater. You’ll have a vested interest in a team during March Madness. But most importantly you will party so much harder, have so much more fun, and fuck so many more chicks during your 4 years of college if you go to a school with a big time sports program. And you don’t have to go to like The U and be a retarded person when you graduate. If you’re smart as fuck too, go to Michigan or Stanford or Notre Dame or any of the other schools that have good smart people shit too.
But if you want my advice I’m narrowing it down to like 5 or 6 schools schools: USC, Alabama, Texas, Clemson, Vandy, and last but not least Arizona State. Not the best sports program but big enough, smokes GALORE and like an hour drive from Vegas. Actually, go to Arizona State, son. We’ll figure out the rest.