Reader Email: What percentage of Oscars have been used as dildos?

Brandon asks: What percentage of Oscars have been used as dildos? I’m guessing 15% all time.

15% seems so, so low. Did you see who won last night? It was cooky Euro lezies and sex maniacs like Jared Leto. I’d be more surprised if 15% haven’t used their Oscar as a dildo. What else are you going to do after you win yours? Your chick is so turned on, dripping wet everywhere, you just won the biggest award ever, and the Oscar hasn’t left your hand since you won it. Of course when you get back to your hotel room with your chick, that thing is sliding into her puss. No question about it. Like a magnet it’s going in there. And then you have chicks like Jennifer Lawrence who straight up loves masterbating. So she for sure has used her Oscar on her own snatch countless times. That’s just another Wednesday afternoon for her. And then just think if you had an Oscar and you bring a girl back to your place. She asks if she can touch it, you say sure. She asks if she can hold it, you say sure. One thing leads to another, and the Oscar is so far up her cooter you’re not sure if you’re even going to get it back.

95%. 95% of Oscars have been used as dildos. Streep’s probably doing it right now. In both holes.