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Stop Jogging In Place At Traffic Lights, You Jackasses

I run pretty frequently but I would never consider myself to be a runner. The only reason I go for a few jogs a week is because I’ve seen countless bloggers who have come before me end up packing on some serious blogger weight, and I’d prefer to just stay exactly where I’m at now. No need to get a six pack, but no need to be out of breath after going up a flight of stairs either.

It’s usually pretty easy to spot the people who consider running to be a crucial part of their life and define themselves as runners.

andy-bernard-run

They’ll typically be wearing some bright colors, they’ll have on a pair of special running shoes, compression socks, usually some sort of enormous watch to help them track their time, and above all else–these are the mother fuckers who are constantly jogging in place whenever they get to a traffic light. And that right there, my friends, is where a line finally needs to be drawn.

These people disgust me. There’s no other way to put it. Just let yourself enjoy a quick little break. I mean who are you trying to impress? I know for a fact that you’re not out here training for the Olympics. You’ve already made the healthy decision to go out and exercise. It’s not “cheating” if you take a 30-second break so that you don’t get run over by a car. Hitting a red light during the middle of a run is like a little gift from god. It’s the big man above telling you “hey, pal, take it easy out there. You deserve to catch your breath for a minute. You don’t need to be the greatest person in the world at exercising. Nobody likes a try hard”. So if you actually think about it, runners who jog in place at traffic lights are basically spitting directly in the face of god.

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And not only that, but they’re spitting in the face of people like you and me. Us regular folk out there who pray that we hit a red light in the middle of a run because that means we don’t need to feel like we’re dying for at least a few moments. A lot of times when I see that I’m coming up on a traffic light, I’ll purposely slow down so I can time it up perfectly that I reach the light just as its turning red. That way I get the maximum break amount. But just as I think I have a minute to myself to catch my breath and not want to vomit, some dickweed wearing compression socks and one of those bands around their chest comes up to the light next to me whilst jogging in place. Which, in turn, makes me look like an asshole because I’m just posted up on the light pole sucking down wind.

Sidenote: what is with those bands that runners wear around their chest? Is it a heart rate monitor or something? It’s always those long skinny cross country sons of bitches who are wearing them. It creeps me out. Stop doing that, too.

But yeah. Long story short, just stop jogging in place when you get to traffic lights. Not only do you look like a jackass, but it makes me look like an asshole as well. I think you can still get in good shape even if you stop moving for 45-seconds during the middle of your run. Nobody is going to care about your time anyway.

@BarstoolJordie