Linked In - I reckon every office or workplace has one of those people that are just full of jargon-ridden management drivel. Does this kind of ‘management speak’ remind you of someone at your work place: “Before going forward we have to touch base and reach out to our key stakeholders so that we can drill down into the key issues that are not yet on our radar and catch the low-hanging fruits…” Are you surrounded by people who annoyingly can’t get enough of the management gobbledygook and who utter one jargon buzzword after another? Are your meetings buzzing with so much management lingo that you find it hard to get to the real meaning of what is being said? The problem I have with these phrases is that they sound so pretentious and often are counter-productive because they irritate people so much and deflect from the real meaning. Below are my top 30 most irritating and overused phrases we hear at work.
- Going forward
- End of play
- Touch base
- It’s on my radar
- No brainer
- Best of breed
- Low hanging fruit
- Reach out
- Dive deeper
- Think outside the box
- Positive momentum
- On my plate
- At the end of the day
- Run the numbers
- Touch points
- Keep your eye on the ball
- Back to the drawing board
- Get the ball rolling
- Bang for your buck
- Close the deal
- When the rubber hits the road
- Shift paradigm
- Move the needle
- Move the goal post
- Value added
- Across the piece
- All hands on deck
We’ve broached this subject before on Cubicle Chronicles but this list circulating Linked In is popping up all over the place. Corporate Buzzwords are one of the things that truly send Cube Monkeys over the fucking edge. I think primarily because they are stupid ass phrases that make no fucking sense and they’re always coming from your boss. Your direct manager is always the asshole telling you to “circle back and jump on a call” so it pisses you off that much more. Its like not only is your slave driver barking out orders, he’s also doing it like a complete fucking asshole. Not only are you his bitch, but you have to decipher his office jargon. The 30 words listed are solid but a few major offenders were forgotten. The additional phrases that make you want to lock the doors and burn down your entire office:
1. In a vacuum – What the fuck are you talking about? How did this ever become a phrase? Which asshole first said this? Fuckin lemmings. I’m gonna go home and put my dick in the fucking vacuum.
2. Incentivize – Interesting choice of words, boss. Seeing as how I barely have any fucking incentive to show up here at all. Barely have an incentive to live anymore, you son of a bitch.
3. Lets take this offline – Hey guess what? Nobody gives a fuck about anything being said in this meeting. Talk online, offline, in line, on line. Nobody is fucking listening anyway
4. Ping me – Ping you? Fuck you.
5. Leverage – I honestly don’t think people even know what they are saying anymore when they use leverage.
6. “Shoot” and “Jump” and “Loop” – Nobody sends emails. Everything is now shot to one another. Everyone is jumping on calls. Hopping into meetings. Looping in. Like a bunch of goddam rabbits or something. I’ll send you an email. I’ll call you. Whats wrong with that?
7. See the forest through the trees – Not sure if this is very common, but the one time it was said to me I almost vomited on the spot. If anyone ever says this to you, you have my permission to punch them directly in the face. Blame your inevitable termination on me.
8. Streamline – Lets just streamline this whole process – I don’t really know what I’m doing, and I’m probably gonna do a half ass job as it is, so either do this yourself or give it to someone else to do, because me faking this project is a glorious waste of time.
9. Circle Back – The absolute worst. Simply because NOBODY ever says this in any other setting than a cube monkey job. It instantly makes you think about your miserable life.
10. Hit the ground running – I’d rather just hit the ground after jumping out of this 30th story window.
PS – Making fun of Synergies has jumped the shark. In a vacuum, its funny, but its become the low hanging fruit of corporate jargon jokes. Circle back and streamline your efforts.